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Hello, I Am Applying to Your DEI Committee as a White Person Who Calls My Asian Girlfriend Mi Amor

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I like to incorporate culture in my life however possible. I have Black friends, I regularly eat at Bento, my favorite sauce is Sriracha, I took Spanish in high school, I traveled to Israel this past summer, and most importantly, my girlfriend Xiao Ming is Chinese. Xiao Ming has taught me a lot about Chinese culture. We enjoy fortune cookies, orange chicken, General Tso’s chicken, China Daily, and Kung Fu Panda together. I now know how to say, “Hi, my name is Michael” in Chinese. By the way the way you say this is, “你好,我叫笨蛋” Whenever I say this at parties, I get an array of laughs, I’m such a crowd pleaser. I even got it tattooed on my arm! Xiao Ming is so great, not only because she is Chinese, but also because we get to experience culture together. She calls me gringo and I call her Mi Amor. We decorated our 2-bedroom with a mandala and sphinx statues, and our cat’s name is Pepe. 

From all of this, I hope that you have gleaned how much I value diversity, equity, and inclusion. That’s why I hope to be inducted into the Mask and Wig DEI committee! No one knows better than I do the needs and ~quirks~ of every culture. My extensive cultural immersion would be a tremendous asset to your troupe. Mask and Wig is truly a fantastic group of men and they could all be made better, yes, with girlfriends, but more so with ethnic girlfriends. My first initiative would be to bring the troupe to South Philly to find ethnic women, then we would all share a meal at Taco Bell. I can’t wait to do the great, burdensome, pioneering work of diversity, equity, and inclusion.