Faking Interest, La Deuxième
January 20, 2023 at 4:08 pm
An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome!
If you have any issues that require our assistance, fret not and submit your questions here.
Hey Maya and Carey,
I don’t understand jazz music and it’s messing up my rizz.
Hi Madam Thatcher,
We’re so sorry to hear about your rizz and its recent disturbance. But, we are here to tell you that not understanding jazz is really no problem. Jazz isn’t something one can understand. It’s like asking someone to explain life! That would be bananas, and we aren’t monkeys. You see, Madam Thatcher, jazz is more of an experience, and a very sensual one at that. Jazz is like entering the most beautiful physical space, like the Anthropologie candle section on Christmas Eve. No! It’s more like completing a three-week Duolingo streak in Italian, only to lose it the next day. Jazz is the sweet sweet embrace of a long-lost distant cousin who is shockingly and incomprehensibly tall. Jazz is Mexico City. Jazz is the world, all wrapped up in the gentle cadence of a horn instrument. The two of us, Maya and Carey, are not two people. We are four. Each one of us has fully dissociated from the person we were before we first heard the genre of music we like to call Jazz. In that movie theater showing La La Land, we were reborn. And you will be too. Just go back in time to December 9th, 2016 for the opening night of La La Land and you’ll understand. Until then, best of luck.
Maya and Carey, Middle School Jazz Band Conductors and Ryan Gosling Fan Club Members
Hi Maya and Carey,
I was at my local public swimming pool, enjoying a day in the sun, when the craziest thing happened. You’ll never believe how crazy it was. It was just so crazy, I couldn't even understand what was happening – it was just that crazy! I couldn’t wrap my head around what went down, and that’s why I need your help. Help me, sweet ladies, help! So anyways, let me get to the story. I was at the pool – you know, minding my own business when something crazy happened and the next sentence will explain it all. So when I was lying on the lounge chair, tanning my perfectly toned body, I realized something, and it was this: I’m not satisfied at all with my life right now, not even a little bit! My husband AND wife left me, my computer crashed, my reservation at Louie Louie got CANCELLED, and I just don’t have Peacock Premium Streaming Service. What should I do to redeem myself?
Hi Andrés Plopkin,
I think you should rent a sailboat off the coast of southern France and sail it to a small island in Greece where you fall in love and you never leave and you and your soulmate open a small, quaint hotel together and it is so successful that you are begged by businesses far and wide to expand but you DON’T because you have only one true home, and it’s not in your heart, it’s in fucking Greece.
Maya and Carey, Amateur Travel Agents and Frequenters of the Film/Musical Mamma Mia!
Hi Maya and Carey,
I’m living in this abandoned apartment building, and I feel like there's a ghost there with me, but that’s not the issue. I was making some homemade acai bowls for an early dinner when I heard a mysterious tapping noise in the wall. I decided to investigate. I donned my detective garbs, grabbed the closest magnifying glass, and demolished the wall (with an average-sized sledgehammer, of course). When I looked in, I saw a full-sized miniature horse! This wasn’t really the issue, though, as I had been informed of its presence in my lease. The real problem is as follows: I’m having some friend drama and idk what to do about it. I feel like they aren’t really listening to me and we are growing apart. I’ve tried talking to them about it and even though they won’t listen, I love them like family and I want to find a way to patch things up. What do you think I should do?
Trouble in Paradise
Sounds like a sticky little situation you’ve landed yourself in. We don’t know how you feel, but that is one of our least favorite situations. Based on our experience working in the entertainment industry, the best way to patch up any relationship is to take a step back and learn how to play the electric guitar. This way, you can always have a little party trick up your sleeve. For example some sort of killer solo! They’re gonna love this, believe us. As managers of our own YouTube channel that focus on introductory guitar (specifically jazz and classical), we know how important the guitar is to keep the Earth spinning. A little goes a long way! Just be sure never to involve that miniature horse of yours. She sounds like a nasty beast! If you take away one thing from this response, let it be this: protect your peace.
Maya and Carey, Guitar Coaches and Regular-Sized Horse Equestrians