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We’re Both Thinking It: Let’s Turn This Coffee Chat Into a Crack-Cocaine Chat


Photos (with edits) by Caroline Gibson // The Daily Pennsylvanian, Flickr // CC0

Well, here we are. Coffee chatting. We’re chatting, we’re drinking coffee. We’re coffee chatting. The activity where we chat while we drink coffee. Hey, what’s your major again? Finance, wow. That’s a very nice major for us to discuss during our coffee chat (in which we chat and drink coffee simultaneously).

Oh, what’s my major? I’m really glad you asked, it’s LET’S CUT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT AND SMOKE SOME CRACK-COCAINE. C’mon...we were both thinking it. I could see that fire in your eyes when I poured the sugar cubes into my coffee (their chunky yet granulated texture perfectly matches that of your favorite rock). And don’t think I didn’t notice your rotting teeth. Oh, those are just your normal teeth? That’s fantastic! Your horrific dental hygiene means that you have nothing to lose by lighting up a fat crack pipe with me.

Huh? You don’t smoke crack because it’s unhealthy? You sound like you've been smoking crack saying such a psychotic statement like that. I don’t know what lies Barack and his cronies told you, but it’s time to set the record straight. They’re always whining about how crack is addictive, how you can overdose on crack, how crack will ruin your life, blah blah blah. What they conveniently “forgot” to mention is that crack is…sugar free! Scientifically, when something is sugar free, it can be classified as a vegetable. And my friend…this vegetable surely tastes better than broccoli.

What now? You’re worried that the Starbucks employees won’t like it if we hotbox this entire cafe? You and I both know that we, as members of the human race, have an obligation to support local businesses. So do you want to bend to the will of Starbucks, a global coffee hegemon running slave labor diamond mines in the Congo (or something like that, I get corporations and their forced labor practices mixed up sometimes)? Or do you want to support a stunning entrepreneur, my good friend "Luscious Larry," who according to the latest Forbes empirics has over 19% of Harrison residents hooked on his sweet delicious rock (it helps them forget that their rooms are underwater)?

C’mon, what’s the problem? Do you want a different drug or something? I have some marijuana, but I laced it with fentanyl for flavor purposes. Unless…should we just smoke pure fentanyl?...Still no? Fine then, bitch. You can drink your coffee, but you will no longer be chatting with me. Goodbye and good riddance! *blows a sick smoke ring*

A note from the Editor: A week after the completion of this article, the author was expelled from the University of Pennsylvania. According to eyewitness reports, he entered his Math 1400 lecture in a state of drug-fueled mania, ripped a bolted-down chair out of the floor, and sold it to “Lucious Larry” for some crack. Under the Button condemns any and all usage of crack (but powdered cocaine is fine).