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Breaking! I Was Held Hostage and Tortured Inside Five Guys this Entire Time


"Five Guys" by kevin dooley is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

It’s incredible how much mental and physical torture five men can inflict in just 18 months.

They only let me drink tequila from the Smoke’s plastic sauce container shot glasses. They made me sign up for a dining plan for next year even though I am graduating. They force fed me raw McClelland omelets. They gave me the deepest COVID test of my life. They asked me if my clothes are from H&M. They told all my friends I am not interested in coming to Puerto Rico with them and then booked me a flight to go home for spring break. They changed my Grindr bio and set my height to 5’9” and my body type to “Average.” They would show me images of androgynous C-list celebrities and tell me I looked exactly like them. They made me sneeze extremely loud in a full 200 person lecture hall. They ensured my Spotify activity was public and played Taylor Swift’s 2018 girl boss album on repeat. They made me complain about how lonely I am on SideChat. They would post 3-4 condescending social justice infographics weekly on my Instagram account. They blocked libgen on my devices and made me pay for all of my textbooks. They made me form concrete and well-informed opinions on modern politics. They made me attend a virtual TriDelt rush event sober and then told them to cut me. They made me transfer from Wharton to SAS and then didn’t let me tell anyone that I used to be in Wharton. They gave me a butterfly cut and removed my buccal fat forcibly. They covered my laptop in Penn stickers and left oily fingerprints on my screen. They made me smell the armpits of everyone that works or has worked at WilCaf. They took away my antidepressants and immediately signed me up for the career fair. They made me play devil’s advocate in all of my classes. And they took my vape.

It’s been a rough year and a half being trapped inside Five Guys. I’m glad it’s finally over. Hopefully they don't shut down anytime soon in order to continue torturing me.