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Report: Record Number of Penn Students to Enlist in the IDGAF War


Photo by Daniel Scanlon

Do you struggle to connect with your peers? Do you struggle to hold space and say the right things on a solid, interpersonal dimension? Have you known a deep love and watched it die? Have you laughed and cried in the face of love? Do you just want to sport a cunty camouflage outfit? Consider taking a semester abroad and fighting on the frontlines of the idgaf war. Located in the trenches between idgafghansitan and ijbolivia, the US has ingrained its geopolitical tentacles into yet another niche conflict. Grenades are now avoidant attachment styles. Collecting intel on the enemy is “no worries if not.” You’re armed with a vast rotation of Lois Griffin reaction posts. 

Everyone is serving, but no one is serving, and no one has served. No one who uses the word “situationship” unironically is ready to serve. And serve who(?), if we’re going to think of another way to use this verb. In the idgaf war, you’re always reminding your peers that you’re still human, more finite and breakable than the deluge of aphorisms you share online. You have four walls and you’ve done ugly things. 

Instead of identifying where Marginal Revenue intersects with Marginal Cost, a record number of Penn students are grappling with the intoxicating mystique of loneliness in the face of actually having to reveal a vulnerable interest in someone else. Even Obama is gagging, diva. Even the deep ships bend until they break. 

The DP is maintaining live coverage from the frontlines of this ongoing conflict. Tensions have yet to creep past the Schuylkill River, though that hasn’t stopped social media startups from infecting the minds of an entire student body. At the end of the day, we wear jeans and would like to know what else to do. One student who enlisted is quoted as saying, “Every time I’m alone I secretly wonder if it will be the last time. I love you so much for forever one last time. I have to do this. I’m scared, but I know we can do hard things, and multivariable calculus is easy. On long, lonely nights when your fears crawl over your brain like cockroaches and you can’t get to sleep, dream of the time you were loved - in another lifetime, one of toil and blood.” 

“I survived the IDGAF War” T-shirts coming soon.