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Penn Global Institute for Human Rights Commissioned to Solve Age-Old Dilemma “Is Squirt Just Pee?”


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During my American Political Thought class, a politically thoughtful American thought came to mind when the two football players adjacent to me had the following conversation:

“Dude, I made that double D blonde on the volleyball team squirt last night.”

“Bro, that's just piss..." 

Normally, I would say, "go piss girl,” but this triggered a more nuanced dilemma that has yet to be solved…is squirt just pee? 

This inquiry, pitched to the Penn Carey Law Global Institute for Human Rights, required an elite force of thinkers to tackle the case. 

Critical race theorist Professor Amy Wax proposes that while white people are capable of squirting, Hispanics are not. In fact, Hispanics have been coming into the country illegally taking white people's ability to squirt and promoting white erasure. 

Elite, self-employed data analyst Gwynn Sturdevant has crunched the numbers for us and determined that she cannot curve the class because she “does not know how to.” However, she has determined that she and her husband (diverse) will be salt and pepper for Tabard Duos. 

Lastly, President Liz Magill determined that the best approach would be to host a fundraiser in which people drop checks in buckets titled “Squirt?” or “Pee.” Donations of 10M, 50M, and 1B will be accepted. Top donors will receive a pizza party and their surname on either of the buildings in which previous donors withdrew. 

Penn’s Global Institute for Human Rights has released a statement highlighting that if squirt is actually just pee, squirting on Ben Franklin is morally just.