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BREAKING: Penn To Arrest Every White Person in a Wasian Couple

Photo by Pixabay // CC 2.0

On Feb. 15, Penn released a notice alerting its student population participating in interracial relationships that they would be under University investigation within the coming days. This notice outlined that if these couples were found to be racially 50% Asian (East, South, etc.) and 50% White, they would be promptly put on academic probation, and those comprising the White demographic would be identified and questioned by Penn Police. 

This notice comes after an increased presence of Wasian couples on Feb. 14 for the Valentine’s Day holiday. With this “invasion,” as described by peers, came traffic delays on SEPTA transit to Chinatown and increased Google searches of "I love you in __ language." 

UTB reporting decided to get a closer look at the issue as it unfolds on campus, interviewing a couple named Josh and Jenny who now stand in jeopardy. 

Q:  “Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview. So guys, how did you two meet?” 

A:  Josh: “We locked eyes in the ethnic food aisle in Trader Joe’s – right next to Trader Ming’s Kung Pao Chicken – and it was love at first sight.” 

Q:  “Enlightening. How has Penn’s notice affected your relationship?” 

A:  Josh: “Directly due to this ruling, we had to cancel our reservation at Sampan and change it to somewhere more inconspicuous: Lauder sushi night.” 

Jenny: “We’ve also been facing backlash from our friends and family. Josh keeps getting mysterious dms to become ‘an English teacher in Japan’”

Q:  “I’m so sorry to hear that! On a lighter note, what plans do you guys have for the future?” 

A:  Josh: “To move to Japan together!” 

Penn neglected to discuss how mixed-race peoples would align with this ruling, continuing its policy of not acknowledging the country of Wasia’s independence. More updates to come from Penn’s campus on the state of its Wasian population.