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The Penn administration issued a statement this past Wednesday regarding the state of our cherished endowment. Accompanied by a “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” emoticon and the writing “oopsy-daisy” was the announcement that Penn has declared bankruptcy. An unnamed member of the administration was “itchin’ to make a buck” and bet 20 billion dollars on a game of UNO. After an unfortunate turn of events, and a well-timed wildcard play on the part of the opponent, The University of Pennsylvania is now left with 72 cents in the bank.
I recently engaged in a short tryst to the wetlands of Washington. While I was hiking(I hike), I gazed out upon the beautiful terrain upon which I found myself. Out in front of me lay a gorgeous vista, untouched by man, with such a stunning beauty one is left with no choice but to pause and absorb the raw power of nature. As I observed this serene masterpiece, the entirety of my being was taken over by a fury the likes of which this planet has never beared witness. The gushing waterfalls and towering trees pissed me off to no end, and here’s what I did about it. First, I saw this beautiful waterfall. Fuck this waterfall.
The University of Pennsylvania is the first in a possible string of top-tier schools that have decided to cut to the chase and remove classes from the curriculum entirely. Why waste all of the time and money required for things like classes and professors? These endeavors serve no good other than distracting Penn’s board from their main focus, which is exponentially increasing the endowment and, in a constant ratio, the tuition. To help reach the goal of overtaking Amazon and Tesla in terms of net worth, Penn is implementing several new policies: