Line Blurs Between Playing Hard to Get and Standing Alone in Apes Basement
(02/11/25 3:58pm)
I know that the weekend is here. And I know what your plan is:
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I know that the weekend is here. And I know what your plan is:
HARRISON COLLEGE HOUSE, WEST PHILADELPHIA — On Friday last week, MERT received several distressing calls regarding loud shrieks in Harrison, room 1901. Residents crowded the halls as MERT volunteers wheeled out Wesley Turnmovay (C ’27). Witnesses described Turnmovay as pale, limp, and pantless. After receiving life support at Penn Hospital, he was finally able to recount what transpired that fateful night:
A newly released diversity report from The Daily Pennsylvanian suggests that, in spite of its best efforts, the storied student publication is on track to be entirely Korean by the middle of the century. Statistical regressions indicate that for the past twenty years, the Thailandese proportion of the newspaper staff has been monotonically increasing. Although members of the non-PoC (People of China) community at The DP have voiced their concerns in recent years, those voices have increasingly been replaced by more Himalayan Sherpas.
After waiting 3 hours and 27 minutes for an elevator to bring me up to the humble high rise triple that I pay $2000+ a month for, I find myself in the presence of the most genuine expression of love that our society has to offer: public displays of affection.
LOCUST WALK, PHILADELPHIA - The brothers of Psi Upsilon, also known as The Castle, have issued a formal apology after accidentally welcoming in a freshman from the town of Paris, Texas. After translating the statement, which was provided in seemingly every language except English, UTB has determined that the issue seems to have begun at the 'Meet the Brothers,' where John Smith, 18, introduced himself as from Paris.
What’s the most important thing you can do as a student at the University of Pennsylvania? Some might say taking and passing classes you’re passionate about, while others believe it’s networking with people to get a head start on your career. A good handful will probably tell you it’s to enjoy what may be the best years of your life and live every moment to its fullest while you still have time.
There comes a time in every gay person’s life where they have to deal with rejection. We’ve all been there, right? Welllll maybe that’s not entirely true because we’ve never been rejected before.
Welcome to Rodin College House, where ambition meets concrete. As you consider your housing options for next year, allow me to guide you through the 25 brutalist stories that I (and my enormous extended family) call home.
On Monday, President Donald Trump (W '68) signed in a slurry of executive orders, of which one hits particularly close to home for Penn students.
Every time I meet with my friend Vina (W '27), I smell something a little off yet so common, a little different yet so usual, a little off yet so familiar. I had been pondering for the longest time, what could it be? YSL Libre? Diptyque Orpheon? Black Opium Intense?! No.
WEDNESDAY - It's been a tough week to be a Penn student. Reading days and finals week continue to wage war on their free time. A strong, faithful brother of Phi Psi was arrested. And worst of all, Cork and Candles has been shut down three months into business.
Let me tell you the story about how a seemingly normal day in my life changed everything. I was walking from the high rises along the beautiful Locust walk. Locust isn't always my favorite: I bump into my friends and people I met during freshmen year that I choose not to say hi to anymore. Sometimes I happen to stumble over a missing cobblestone or two, and others I get a mini heart attack from almost slipping on a leaf.
Diddy do it? Yes, Diddy did it. Regardless of who my Spotify Wrapped top artist of 2024 is, and regardless of who my top artist has been for the past five years, and regardless of whose poster is on my bedroom wall (all four of them plus the floors and ceiling), I affirm that Diddy did it, and Diddy did it many times.
It’s far past time— put away your puffer, this is Penn. You are a slender and ambitious freshman, and your ebid is contingent on the coat you choose today. Unfortunately you can’t have the Canada Goose because it’s not so chic anymore, and people will be able to tell our parents have money, which is a no no. Let’s go a subtler route.
I woke up with a horrible headache. It was so bad I didn’t even have time to put on my glasses. I grabbed what I thought was my Advil - and took 3. After I showered and all, I still had a horrible headache.
After witnessing multiple instagram stories capturing this Penn student finishing the Philadelphia Half Marathon, the same thought suddenly crept into every other students’ head: Wow, she can definitely eat whatever she wants for like the next two days now.
This weekend all of Penn was out partying to celebrate the release of Mark Zuckerberg's remix of “Get Low”!!
In a recent official survey conducted by well-qualified university officials, it was discovered that Penn students rated the Locust icicle lights as the most significant source of mental health support on campus. It should be noted that the survey did not include the option of illicit substances.
I sit on the unsettlingly warm cushioned seat playing on my phone, the machine belt wrapped around my waist. It’s leg day and I’ve just finished my second set of hip thrusts with one more to go. I get up and try to make a show of putting more weight on the machine, impressing nobody but my ego, and then I sat back down.
I’ve been going to the same halal cart for an amazing, memorable year. I first ordered at the end of a long week after some lecture that I forgot about. The moment I let out the words “chicken over rice,” I became hooked. Since then, everything has been great: he memorized my order, we’re now on a first name basis, and I get a free falafel every once in a while for my loyalty. It’s perfect, and I couldn’t ask for anything better.