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It’s a question we’ve all faced at one point or another. Luckily, the head investigative journalism publication on campus is fully prepared to help you crack the case.
Due to a new task force that has been diverting money away from the Locust Brick lawsuit, the Penn Police have been shutting down parties earlier and more frequently than ever before. As the administration pushes the campus away from our coveted title as Playboy’s Number One Party School in 2014, frats are getting more creative about keeping their parties on the DL.
Multiple sources tell UTB that they understood the application process for consulting or finance clubs to be so demanding that they were unfazed when asked to do things with no clear connection to the club— and ended up in groups completely unrelated to business. Here is one freshman's story.
Girl @ Party
Walking around campus on a normal day, students encounter a variety of obstacles, not the least of which are doors of different weights. Heavy doors plague the entrance of Huntsman as well as many dorm rooms and other academic buildings, while unexpectedly light doors make victims of many students at the entrances to Levin Labs and other buildings. Unlucky students are susceptible to physical damage opening light doors, while others are susceptible to emotional damage when struggling to open heavy doors.
It was a normal Monday night in July. I had just started rewatching The Office for the third time this summer. I was still full from my “homemade” dinner (frozen Mandarin Orange Chicken from Trader Joe’s), so I was not quite ready to have ice cream. But suddenly Michael Scott’s racist jokes were interrupted by a message that popped up in the upper right corner of my computer.
The latest in our series of Words People Confuse With Avocado brings us to the shameful experience of Abby Pullman (C ‘20). Originally pre-med, Abby had enrolled in many of the introductory classes first semester Freshman year. She was cautiously ambitious, and anticipated the classes would be difficult but manageable. It all started off well. Abby was balancing BBB109, Physics 150, Chem101, and Math 104, in addition to a growing social life and occasionally going to a Penn Dems meeting. But the good times could not last.
Just as the American government is a government of the people, by the people, and for the people, Kidz Bop is a music of the kids, by the kids, and for the kids. So naturally, Kidz Bop was the obvious headliner for the Fourth of July Party on the Parkway. Referred to by an unreliable source as the number one music brand for kids, Kidz Bop’s only free concert started at 1:00 pm this past Tuesday.
It all started in his Intro to American Politics class. A future political science major, Fred Wilkins (C '20) was really in his element. And as much as he enjoyed the lectures, he looked forward to the recitations even more. Wilkins' TA would allow the class to have open discussion about the week’s lecture and reading material. Previously a shy kid in high school, Wilkins found himself thriving in the discussions, raising excellent points and taking advantage of weaknesses in other people’s arguments— just like every other freshman at Penn. He was able to speak for both sides regarding every issue, even when he actually had an opinion. Two weeks into the semester, he even caught the eye of a cute girl in the recitation, and they would have intelligent conversations about the material after class. Everything was going wonderfully, but like all good things, it couldn’t last.
After years and years of wondering, President Amy Gutmann finally agreed to participate in US Weekly’s feature, Celebs Tell Us: What’s In My Bag? Though her response will not be published in the magazine, UTB got the inside information from a source within the publication. So at long last, here it is:
After Donald Trump was elected as the 45th President, many people were discouraged about the state of the country. They feared that the progress made for equal rights and inclusivity would be reversed by the new administration.
High school senior Anna Johnson can finally be herself. All throughout high school, Johnson was deliberately uncool to avoid peaking.
No one could have possibly predicted this outcome. John Windsor, a high school senior from Hartford, CT, was ecstatic upon being accepted into every single Ivy League school this spring. His family was thrilled too, although they were not surprised - they were under the common misconception that smart people automatically get accepted into all of the top schools. To clarify for those who are similarly confused, very few students ever have gotten into all 8 Ivies. For those who do, most frequently they choose to attend Harvard, Yale, or Princeton.
Many Penn students, both Jewish and non-Jewish, will spend tonight at the first Passover seder. To those students who are not Jewish, the seder may look like a very drawn out dinner with a bunch of weird things thrown on a plate together. A lot of the items on the seder plate have many meanings and interpretations from the story of Passover, but we decided to make the holiday a little easier to understand by relating each symbol to Penn.
We all knew this was coming. The signs were all there, including several handwritten “meth lab heer” notes on lined paper. But it took the greatest investigative journalism publication on campus to finally uncover the truth - there is a meth lab under Perry World House.
I thought I’d hit rock bottom. Someone took my Canada Goose jacket from a frat party with my keys in the pocket. And when I posted about it on the Class of 2020 Facebook page, all of my friends made fun of me. Later, I missed Joe Biden’s talk because my computer crashed when I tried to buy tickets. Then I tripped on a loose brick on Locust trying to avoid talking to some UA candidate.
Tomorrow, the prospective class of 2021 Wharton students will get their application decisions. From the outside, it seems like Wharton is just a super exclusive club, where all the classes have unnecessarily long names with funny sounding acronyms, like PEPTO101 and BISMOL250. Luckily, Under the Button is revealing the one thing Wharton doesn’t want prospective students to know.
“It all got terribly out of hand,” Gutmann said as she brainstormed puns that have to do with hands. This past Friday, President Gutmann had a meeting with Princeton President Christopher L. Eisgruber. As the two were posing for pictures, video footage revealed various photographers requested that the two shake hands, in addition to President Eisgruber himself asking to shake hands. However, Gutmann kept her hands firmly by her side and did not acknowledge the requests for a handshake.
UTB is thrilled to announce our very first Environmental Awareness event! This Friday, we’re asking everyone to WEAR GREEN to raise awareness for the environment!
Those who have experience with coming too early can probably sympathize with some of the trees around campus right now. After a stretch of warm weather during the month of February, various trees got tricked into blooming before the winter was over. Like the people who packed away their sweaters and pulled out their shorts, local trees thought they were clear of the cold weather. You'd almost think trees have no way of accessing weather forecasts. Like, it's 2017, just check your phone.