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Few of us are praying that finals continue forever. The impending end of the semester cannot come soon enough for most of the student body, which unanimously agreed it is "totes miserable" and is only surviving on junk food and hourly kvetch sessions.
P.S. The prof has a Ph.D. in sarcasm! It's obviously all a jokeywokey, but as you can see, he did get the class pizza.
As fun as it is to stroll down picturesque Locust Walk during the holiday season, we must warn our dear readers to be careful. Countess the Hawk of Locust is back with a vengeance, this time striking a diva pose outside Joe's Cafe. Just look how clear she is in this terrifyingly un-Photoshopped photo from a tipster! Everyone in the Penn community (especially one Madame President, out and about) must beware of the wrath of the Locust Hawk.
SPOTTED -- Madame President herself, Amy Gutmann, working out with the masses at Pottruck. Our tipster informs us A-Gut was glowing post-cardio, rocking purple gym pants and a Penn umbrella! We admire Amy G's commitment to calorie-burning before "stuffing her face" at tonight's holiday study break at her estate!
Oh my god -- Did you hear what she just said? I'm never talking to her again. Like ever. [Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Didn't the font tip you off?]
[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Didn't the font tip you off?] We all love Madame President, but she is now and forever Amy G(odmother)! Pippa's out. A-Gut was spotted across the pond having tea and crumpets with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II to get final approval on becoming the godmother of Prince William and Kate Middleton's baby-to-be! While Amy's BFF Joe Biden might be upset she's flirting with other (monarchical) governments, we couldn't be more thrilled the Royal Fetus will be nurtured by the blonde beauty who nurtures our school on a daily basis. They better name him/her Amy. Next step: Amy, Duchess of Cambridge. God save the Prez!
Raise your hand if you thought that email Sunday night was tapping you for an exclusive society. Alas, it turns out The Social Ivy, which emailed most of the student body, is not so glamorous - although it sure sounds like it wants to be. The gist (scam?) is that a valid Penn email address deems you "worthy" to get free drinks and half off meals at certain (unnamed) Philly restaurants.
Have your parents texted you lately? If not, get ready for an influx of two very specific nagging messages in your inbox. We've been alerted to a precious email that has been sent to all our parents and guardians. It suggests language for two crucial texts, which is some pretty hip lingo for the older generation, some of whom have hardly mastered The Interweb. Always looking out for our collective mental and physical well-being, Penn Campus Health "prescribed" these hilarious texts for the stressful finals period:
Before the election, inboxes nationwide were bombarded with "personalized" emails from politicians, fundraisers and, of course, celebrities. The Obama campaign sent frequent messages opening with "Dear [Your Name]" from such stars as Beyoncé, Sarah Jessica Parker and Dr. Maya Angelou!
Oh no! Mere days after the Penn Museum covered Locust in clever signage assuring us that Tis Not The End, a cryptic chalk message on the sidewalk outside Pottruck has a different opinion on the matter. Philadelphia666.com is beautifully designed website featuring sermons addressing the upcoming apocalypse (less than four weeks away!). It's even based on a prophecy that correctly predicted Dubya and Obama as presidents! Snaps for the College Green preacher for expanding his influence to Walnut Street.
'Tis the season for merriment and joy, with Christmas in just a little over a month! But, in case you forgot, the world is actually supposed to end four days before that! Luckily, some new signs all along Locust are reminding us that 'tis the season to be jolly because Tis Not the End.
A-Huff is En Route -- The one and only Arianna Huffington has tweeted that she is driving through this wintery mix as we speak! We assume she'll stop by BFF A-Gut's house for hot cocoa before the big event. Be sure to check back for our live-tweet coverage of her post-election talk in Irvine, complete with an Amy G introduction, tonight at 8!
It's pretty hush-hush, but there's a super-dramatic presidential race going on between Mitt Zombie and BOOrack Obama. Spooky! Anyway, whether or not you're in the know of this election, the Penn Political Coalition is currently presenting Political Action Week, which promises to be as exciting as it is alliterative (please pledge to go to polls!). Hurricane Sandy may have stolen the thunder of Amy's Halloween Party, but the PPC is proudly cramming in as much political proactivity as possible over the next three days.
Fresh off the news of Kal Penn's visit to campus, SPEC has announced its fall Connaissance speaker: HuffPo empress and namesake Arianna Huffington. Penn will speak at Irvine two days before the election and Arianna will (joyously or mournfully) take the auditorium the night after America heads to the ballots. Needless to say, Penn will not be lacking star power the week after next.
We're not surprised, but we're still filled with the Penn pride that Amy G revels in on a daily basis. Glassdoor has released its list of most popular college presidents, and who is the pièce de résistance? The crème de la crème? The reigning queen bee? A-GUTT!
Stressing about how to manage your social life on Halloweekend right after Fall Break? SPEC-TRUM thinks seeing R&B artist Miguel in concert is a "Sure Thing." Tickets are now on sale online and on Locust for $15 for their October 26 fall show, featuring Miguel and something called Phony PPL. If you wait, you'll have to fork over $20 at the Harrison Auditorium (33rd and Spruce), where doors open at 8:30 p.m. Check out the music video for Miguel's hit single "Adorn" above, complete with a sexy lady sipping from a water fountain, a sexy lady doing gymnastics in a yellow one-piece and a sexy lady wearing fishnets on her face!
Senator on Campus Tomorrow! -- Penn Dems are welcoming New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand to Houston Hall tomorrow to discuss the election. Details are here if you wanna schmooze with the gal who replaced Hillary when she became Madame Secretary! She'll be the second coolest blonde at Penn tomorrow, after Amy.
Reminder: the one and only Eva Longoria will be on campus on Wednesday! Wharton's Lauren and Bobby Turner "Doing Well and Doing Good" Social Impact Executive Speaker Series is bringing the Desperate Housewives superstar to Irvine. It's required to pre-register here if you want to hear the actress discuss her philanthropic work and bitter breakup from Tony Parker (just kidding, we're sure the split was "amicable").
Let's face it: as nice as it is to see our loved ones on Family Weekend, after a few hours, they're overstaying their welcome. If your grandma is being judgmental and getting overall embarrassing, why allow them loiter on Locust? This weekend is the perfect opportunity to get to hotspots on campus and in University City that you've never made it to - and on your parents' dime. So don't let the fam mess with your rep! After you've covered the worthwhile FW events, make them to take you where you'd never make it otherwise:
Talk about being ahead of the curve! Check out this awesome vintage photograph from Penn's 1886 production of The Acharnians by Aristophanes. You will note that these boys are smizing (not coined by Tyra until 2009) and are showing off their enviable legs with trendy gladiator sandals. Chic and historically accurate! Very impressive and progressive. This play was put on by the Greek Society, before TAC-e or even Mask & Wig were founded. Kudos to these cross-dressing campus cuties!