Erm… What Are We Supposed to Do At This Cafe • Bar • Restaurant • General Store?
(01/23/24 8:46pm)
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Did she ask you if you slept well last night, sweet angel child? Does this sound familiar: “Text me when you are done with dinner. I love you!”
Today as I was getting ready to triumphantly complete my FAFSA for the coming fiscal academic year, I noticed something peculiar. The two boxes that displayed the genders of yesteryear, female and male, have fanished. What did I see in their places? Progress. Build Back Better Realness. are now replaced with: slay and bruh. How progressive!
Yikes! In a recent group therapy session hosted by Under the Button, Becca Jackson (E’25) shared some saddening news with its staffers. Upon arriving at Penn, she expected to finally blossom into the main character of a hit Netflix TV show, the one that has 30-year-olds play 18-year-olds in high school. All Becca wanted was to become rich, famous, and beautiful without any problems. But above all, Becca wanted to be great at giving and receiving. After binge watching all the Timothée Chalamet movies that she could get her pissy, grubby little paws on, she developed an unfortunate main character complex. She bought heaps of clothes off Depop, cut her hair, then dyed her hair, then cut it again (this time giving herself uneven bangs!) for good measure. She was ready for it. She was fucking game.
The past few weeks have been super wild, and the weather reflects this perfectly with mercurial temperatures ranging from 1000 to -10 degrees simultaneously. Last Monday, lava spewed from the hot, steamy, wretched earth in the early morning, despite many news outlets proclaiming it was only fifty six degrees. And by the late afternoon, the lava had frozen over, leaving students and staff on Locust confused as fuck. Despite students imploring their weather app for answers, they remain perplexed about how to best prepare for such volatile weather. But do not fret! Under the Button was on the scene, harassing people on Locust Walk for the best strategies to overcome the climate crisis.
As all girls know, you should only snap back within twice the number of minutes it took him to respond minus the amount of letters in his name. Unfortunately, Sasha Mcclelland (C’25) forgot this golden rule and snapped back THRICE the number of minutes, unintentionally pushing her potential lover, Brent Hill (W’23) into the friend zone. Brent Hill did not pick up on these signals, and slowly stopped accepting her messages.
Good news! In an unprecedented turn of events, Toys R Us announced their business trajectory after filing for bankruptcy back in September 2017. Last week, Toys R Us’ parent companies Tru Kids and Vorando Realty Trust sat down with their board of trustees to announce that they would be making sweeping changes — closing down all existing Toys R Us locations and erecting new stores, and renaming the stores and the company, to Women B Shopping.
As Penn bids a farewell to our lord and savior President Doctor Amy Gutmann before she leaves for Germany, the University awaits new leadership. As it does, Penn sets its eyes on Gutmann’s successor. But who shall it be? Another white Scorpio woman from Brooklyn, New York who laughs at her own jokes during convocation speeches? I don’t think so.