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(04/12/16 9:20pm)
We all know the many Benjamin Franklin quotes on 37th Street (apparently called "Benjamin Franklin's Way"), installed in 2009. The collection includes classics like "Haste Makes Waste," and many more. Through careful (and trustworthy) research, however, we at UTB have discovered that the 19 proverbs inscribed in the ground today weren't exactly complete – they were shortened to save space. We've found and listed the full quotations below, with the parts from the stones in italics. Reading these very real statements, it's no surprise that they were abridged.
(04/11/16 3:27pm)
Folks, it's 2016. If you want a good job, you're gonna need a good LinkedIn. The digital age is here, baby, and you don't want to fall behind. So before you miss out on another opportunity, strap in and follow our instructions on how to make the perfect LinkedIn profile. You'll be employed faster than you can say "I love to earn and save Dollars, that green currency which we all know and love to use."
(04/11/16 5:37pm)
Are you tired of getting fucked by SPEC's floor pass flash sales? Can't seem to get access to whoever is headlining fling? Well before you buy a floor pass from your stoner hall mate who is going to mark the price up 300%, buy from your friends here at UTB! SPEC has given us 12 floor passes that we must selflessly allocate to the greater commonwealth. However, we can't just give these things away so here the challenges that you must complete to earn the opportunity to purchase a floor pass for SPRING FLING!
(04/04/16 8:22pm)
At this point, most people have heard about about a speaking event featuring CIA Director John Brennan being shut down by protestors. Among their chants were "The CIA is a terrorist organization," and "drones kill kids." Of course the actions of these protestors are controversial, with no shortage of supporters and critics. However you feel about their actions, there are some things we all wish would be shut down by protestors.
(03/31/16 9:30pm)
Person A: What did you get into last weekend?
(03/31/16 2:03pm)
Here at UTB, we like to make value judgements in a "Pro/Con/Pro" format. However, today's topic was unanimously decided to be a net loss: hence, the "Pro/Con/Con." We asked ourselves, "Is it worth it to see Hoodie Allen in concert?" No. Certainly not. Then we asked, "Is it worth it to see Hoodie Allen ironically?"
(03/29/16 4:30pm)
Tomorrow – yes, tomorrow! – Josh Singer, the Oscar-winning screenwriter/producer of this year's Best Picture, Spotlight, will be speaking at the Annenberg Center. Doors open at 4 p.m., and the event starts at 4:30 p.m.
(03/23/16 6:41pm)
Imagine a pong game-- what do you see? A number of red Solo cups, perhaps arranged in triangular formations on either side of the table, is probably what you thought of first. So it makes sense that running out of red Solo cups really kills the vibes. We've all tried to play pong with different cups, and it's usually a bummer. Not all replacements are equally terrible, though. Here are some alternatives that just might rival the red Solo experience.
(03/16/16 10:57pm)
An associate Penn professor of linguistics has apparently been hard at work developing a linguistic database that will allow users to view the roots of the words they look up, as well as related words in a number of languages. Cool, right?
(03/14/16 5:47pm)
One is a beloved, intelligent, and successful musician, known for his angelic voice and home full of Grammys.
(03/03/16 8:13pm)
Puerto Vallarta. So ubiquitous a spring break destination for the Cool Kids™ of Penn that it goes by a shortened, simpler moniker: PV. Where are you going this spring break? PV. Where'd you spend your vacation? Oh, in PV. But people often forget that there are other places in the world named PV.
(02/24/16 5:46pm)
If you need to break up with your significant other but can't find the perfect location to deliver the crushing news, consider this depressing spot. Tucked away in the corner of the Starbucks under Commons, this alcove has all the trappings necessary to turn an OK breakup experience into a great one. Here's why:
(02/22/16 10:43pm)
Hey guys, I'm really sorry to post here, but I lost my coat at a party this weekend. I'm not sure where I was exactly, but I remember there being a bunch of incredibly small people-- like, Night at the Museum small-- doing tai chi to the beat of the critically acclaimed reggae album Earth Crisis by Steel Pulse. If this party rings any bells, please comment below.
(02/16/16 5:20pm)
The inter-house application process for on-campus housing next year just opened up yesterday, and closes tomorrow. For many, hours of the next days will be spent frantically filling out forms and wrangling roommates for an overpriced, poorly maintained apartment with one too few rooms. But it doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to pay the price of stress for your housing this year. In fact, you don't have to pay at all. We've scoured the campus and created a guide to free housing and showering at Penn.
(02/14/16 10:38pm)
You might remember when we wrote about the Furniture Campus Home Store a while ago, when they had a "Grand Opening" for their new Asian Food Market. Turns out that not only is the store great for chairs and instant noodles, it's also great for last minute gifts on Valentine's Day. Amazon orders won't get here by tonight, so we've assembled some of the best options below.
(02/18/16 6:07pm)
Looking for a spot for your next BYO? Many would suggest Banana Leaf, a Penn staple. But how do you know if it's really any good? Few people have a clear, accurate memory of their time at Banana Leaf. Reading Yelp reviews gets you nowhere: apparently people go there for first dates, and are interested in the food. Fear not-- we've compiled a list of pros and cons tailored to the needs of the Penn student, which should help with your decision.
(02/03/16 8:26pm)
Hand fruit. We're pretty sure it's just like regular fruit, except you use your hands to eat it. It's a good thing the fruit is clearly labeled as such – we'd hate to see someone try to eat an apple with a fork. Talk about embarrassing! Then again, it's entirely possible that the fruit is made of hands, and can be eaten in any variety of ways. Maybe Penn Medicine had some leftover hands from their transplant program, and just dumped them in Engineering. Either way, a free meal is a free meal.
(01/27/16 7:44pm)
Penn students are always up to something, and the latest shenanigans are some of the most impressive yet. It appears that someone tried to bring dinosaurs back to life, á la Jurassic Park, but conflated the film's plot with the winter classic Frosty the Snowman, in which a hat is enough to animate a lifeless pile of frozen water. While we do love the new campus decor, it's pretty sad that this dinosaur has more school spirit than most of us.
(11/25/15 3:30pm)
We're back with another edition of Most Depressing Places On Campus – it's not that hard to keep this feature going, because we all know Penn has no shortage of bleak spots. This week we venture beneath the warm, cheery walls of McClelland Hall to the eerily silent netherworld below.
(11/18/15 5:55pm)
Shopping for furniture is great fun – everyone knows that. The only problem? Furniture stores, for the most part, don't sell food. This is without a doubt the greatest shortcoming of furniture stores. By logical extension, we'd like to point out that Asian supermarkets also generally have one fatal flaw: they don't sell furniture.