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After a particularly difficult post-spring break deluge of midterms, Karina Jacoby (W '19) was eager to seek some relief at Distrito happy hour with a group of girlfriends Thursday evening.
After 38 long minutes of investigation, Ryan Chakrabarti (C '20) confirmed that the grunting, panting, and moaning noises coming from his suitemate's room were the result of a deadlocked Wii tennis game, not a torrid love affair.
In the weeks leading up to her 21st birthday on February 11, Lauren Mancini (W '19) was practically glowing with excitement. "I had been waiting for this day since I was in high school," Lauren admitted, delicately swirling a modest glass of red wine at 4:30 in the afternoon. "I was so excited to not have to worry about my shitty fake ID getting taken from me or snapped in half by the bouncer at Smokes' anymore."
In a quiet, throaty aside muttered under his breath during a review session for an upcoming midterm exam, MATH 475 professor Dr. Howard Merchant revealed to his class that he has not blinked his eyes in 36 years.
Last Sunday, the city of Philadelphia erupted into a frenzy after the Eagles, longtime underdogs of the NFL, won their first ever Super Bowl. Soon after, it was announced that there would be a city-wide celebration of the victory in the form of a parade on Thursday, an event so large that Drexel, Temple, and Penn all deemed it necessary to suspend operations for the day.
Penn students know full well that this school has truly earned its title as the "Social Ivy." The large, vibrant city of Philadelphia surrounds us on all sides, making downtowns, BYOs, and off-campus soirées the alcoholic and drug-laced glue that binds our student body together. It's something I love and appreciate about Penn. It's the reason I have friends and lovers to call my own.
While making polite small talk on the Amtrak to Union Station in Washington, D.C., Anna Yeoman (W '20) declined to clarify the truth when the elderly woman in the adjacent seat mistook "Penn" for Pennsylvania State University. "Yup, I go to Penn State," Yeoman confirmed after a short pause, during which time she stared blankly out the window past her seat partner and deliberately chose to dissociate herself from The Wharton School and its famous ties to America's First Family.
Professor Susan McMahon is what you might call a veteran veterinary professor: she is well-known for teaching canine medicine at Penn Veterinary School and has been a member of the faculty for over a decade. What most of her students don't know about her, however, is her passion for video games, particularly Nintendo DS games.
Penn President Amy Gutmann referred to the School of Arts and Sciences as a "total dump" during a Board of Trustees meeting Thursday night, sources say.
Sorority recruitment season is upon us, and freshman girls will soon line the icy streets in the hope of securing a coveted bid.
Reportedly wringing his hands in distress, Trevor Castellano (E '18) learned yesterday that he had finally exhausted the Penn Bookstore's gift selection for his family members.
Sometimes, you just cant help it: you're supposed to be engaged in the class material, or otherwise keeping detailed records of it, but your mind wanders off to a fantasy of you and your professor walking hand in hand into a mom-and-pop bookstore, or a large academic conference. Let's just face it. Your professor is hot.
According to a report released today, the world has officially reached capacity for boys named Matt.
If you hoist your jugs into a boobie-trap on the daily, you know that you can get away with a couple days of wear-and-tear before tossing it in the hamper. But sometimes the inconveniences of everyday life get in the way of our best intentions hygiene-wise, and we slip up on our laundry duties. If you're not quite sure whether your brassiere really warrants an "all clear," take this quiz to find out!
In a moment of triumph over the seemingly endless deluge of end-of-semester midterm exams, group projects, and term papers, Kyra Mills (C '20) managed to make a small dent in her to-do list this morning.
For Halloween this year, Alexa Bowers (C '21) pulled out all the stops on dorm decorations. Now, three full weeks into November, she has yet to deal with the aftermath.
The numbers are in.
Philadelphia, PA — A mere 46 seconds after audibly farting in a quiet lecture, Daniel Crawford (E '19) shifted uncomfortably in his seat, rearranged the items on his desk, and remarked in a booming whisper to the student next to him, "Man, this classroom always smells weird." As the stench of his unsettlingly loud flatulence hung in the air all around him and dispersed into adjacent rows of the lecture hall, Crawford repeatedly coughed and kicked the rubber sole of his shoe against the seat in front of him, hoping desperately to recreate the distinct sound of his fart and persuade his classmates that it was actually his shoe all along. "I don't know what it is," he whispered again to his seatmate, "maybe it's coming from outside? The windows are usually open in here." Tortured by the realization that the odor hadn't dissipated by the end of class, Crawford remarked "Seriously, it's so gross," shaking his head in unconvincing disappointment as he left the noxious greenhouse that the auditorium had become. Sources at the scene confirmed Crawford's allegation that "it's like this every week," but pointed to Crawford himself and his food truck burrito lunch as the probable cause of the issue. Crawford could not be reached for comment, as he had sprinted directly to the bathroom upon exiting the class.
Jamie Harper (W '20) may seem like any other college sophomore, but he has a natural gift—a "Natty" gift, if you will. He can spot the cases of Natural Light beer in any grocery store he enters. Blindfolded, spun around three times, and walking on his hands, Harper can and will find the crown jewel of the beverage aisle. But sadly, his sensing abilities can only extend so far.
After breezing through the entire syllabus by the first week of October, tenured Professor Leslie Coleman has taken to showing a succession of documentary films for the remainder of her course.