Salutations! I’m Banning Wasians From Penn
Don’t hate me. I’ll ask if they’ll make an exception for you, you beautiful Wasian. I don’t know if they will but I’ll do everything in my power to ask just for you.
Hannah Gong
OP-ED: Don’t Worry Seniors, You Still Have One Year to Make the Lifelong Friends You Haven’t Made Yet
Hope is not lost for you yet, washed-up seniors. You still have a chance. Two semesters, two chances to succeed. Maybe it’s not too late to get tapped for a senior society. That’ll fix everything.
Salutations! I’m Banning Wasians From Penn
Hannah Gong
Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2025Wed, Nov 12, 2025
Don’t hate me. I’ll ask if they’ll make an exception for you, you beautiful Wasian. I don’t know if they will but I’ll do everything in my power to ask just for you.
I Brought My Immigrant Mother to Smokes and She Exploded
Hannah Gong
Tuesday, Nov. 4, 2025Tue, Nov 4, 2025
My mother doesn’t drink much. Instead, she prefers to buy property, amassing generational wealth as a landlord.
OP-ED: Don’t Worry Seniors, You Still Have One Year to Make the Lifelong Friends You Haven’t Made Yet
Hope is not lost for you yet, washed-up seniors. You still have a chance. Two semesters, two chances to succeed. Maybe it’s not too late to get tapped for a senior society. That’ll fix everything.
New Study Shows Freshmen Who Live in Renovated Quad Have 50% Less Testosterone
Hannah Gong
Thursday, Sept. 4, 2025Thu, Sep 4, 2025
The effects of lowered testosterone levels on future consulting club executive boards and Tridelt-Hall relations will be devastating.
ABG This. ABB That. What Happened to Asian Baby Studybots?
What happened to: “Damn, that tiny Asian kid is a piano PRODIGY!”
Local Penn Student Devastated to Find Drexel Dating Pool Just As Bad
Hannah Gong
Thursday, March 6, 2025Thu, Mar 6, 2025
I must remember that Drexel is a fantasy land of lying dwarves, and that Penn is a fantasy land of scheming trolls. None of these creatures are viable options for a loving relationship where we take care of each other until one of us dies of old age.
Couple Doing PDA in High Rise Elevator Sensually Caresses Me as Well
Hannah Gong
Monday, Feb. 3, 2025Mon, Feb 3, 2025
If a tree falls in a forest and there is only a couple doing PDA present, will anyone ever hear the tree fall?
To Improve Mental Health, Penn to Hang Two More Icicle Lights This Year
This will give students a staggering thirty extra seconds of exposure to the finest mental health resource out there: artificial LED light.
Midterm Seasonal Depression Cured by Vaguely Ethnic Frozen Meal From Grommons
I know one thing will always be there for me: my culturally diverse but also culturally sensitive but also culturally accommodating Grommons frozen meal exchange section.
Help! Which Identity Based Social Circle Should I Segregate Myself Into?
I hope you found your community immediately after reading this enlightening article!
Wharton Undergraduate Consulting Club Now Open to Cases Dedicated to Getting You Bitches
WUCC announces "the next step in streamlining open communication between stakeholders and creating an optimal environment for connection in the romantic stratosphere."
BREAKING: I Act Visibly Emotionally Tortured Each Time I Pass a Campus Tour
I could see the parents think to themselves, “Wow, they sure didn’t look that unhappy at Harvard!”
Ah, Youth: I Saw Toddlers Playing on the Ben Franklin Bench
Hannah Gong
Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2024Wed, Feb 14, 2024
In this way, I will save you. Not from the Ben bench, but from yourselves.
