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James Morrison


Articles

God Does Exist, And He’s Watching Us From Last Word Bookshop

God exists. I’ve seen him. He’s always there, in the bookshop, tip-tapping away at his little computer. The image of sage wisdom and omniscient knowledge. Peering over his glasses, looking down at his desk just as he peers down at the rest of us. What’s he doing in there, at all hours of the night? What a vigilant soldier he is, guarding his little bookstore. 


OP-ED: Amy Gutmann Will Die One Day and This Makes Me Sad

Amy Gutmann ages, just like the rest of us. And when you age too much, you die. And when you die you can’t be the president of the University of Pennsylvania.


Bobby's Burger Palace Closes After It Loses One of Its Three Customers

“Business was booming two months ago — we easily had three, four, hell sometimes even FIVE customers walk through our doors on any given day. We had big plans for the future, but ever since Jeff stopped coming by, well, we just don’t have the money to support the shop anymore.” 


The Penn Band Presents New Field Show: You Can Run but You Can't Hide

Members of the band hope that the title communicates their relentless pursuit to convince their peers to join their cult. 


How to Recover After You're Forced to Be the Slutty Pony for the Group Halloween Costume

Early in the October season, Wulsh had agreed to go in on a group Halloween costume along with her five housemates, who live together in a residence lovingly known as “The Farm.” The housemates agreed that a barnyard theme was "clearly the move." 


Knock Knock! I’m Lucy, a Sophomore. Can I Have Your Lease?

Knock knock! Hi! My name’s Lucy. I’m a sophomore, haha. I was just looking by and couldn’t help but notice what a nice, cozy little townhouse you have here!


Penn Football Suffers Crushing Defeat, Distracted By Newer, Hotter Quaker

After having undergone intensive plastic surgery, the Penn Quaker is no longer the terrifying behemoth that athletes and fans have come to know and love.


'They're Such Wonderful Boys!' Says Mom on Greekrank

I knew it would take a little bit of time for my Josh man to find a group of his own.


Crazy: This Guy on Locust Asked Me If I Wanted Double Penetration

Just because I can get it does not mean that it’s acceptable to hit on me. Although I was secretly very flattered to be asked if I wanted double penetration in broad daylight, that does not mean that the comment was appropriate.


In Preparation for Upcoming Midterm, Orgo Students Engage in Rod and Ball Play

Everywhere from VP to the Highrise Sky Lounges, Orgo students can be found playing with their rod and balls, trying new positions and configurations.


OP-ED: I Ordered a Mango Dragon Fruit Refresher from Stommons and They Actually Gave It to Me

Never (never) have I been able to indulge in the sweet, elusive nectar that is the Mango Dragon Fruit Refresher.


Do You like My Leggings? I Bought Them at Lululemon, Full-Price

 These sleek Wunder Under High-Rise Tight Snow-Washed Ribbed leggings are something else. You could say that they’re the height of athleisure.


OP-ED: I Can’t Drink Coke Anymore Without Tasting Bottom-Shelf Vodka

The sweet, idyllic taste of my childhood has now been tainted with the harsh, nauseating taste of hand sanitizer. 


Freshman Celebrates 3 Birthdays, Graduation Before Her Wawa Mac and Cheese Is Ready

To Brightson, the minutes stretched on like eternities. After ten of them, she started getting sober. After 20, she was painfully sober. After 30, she wondered if she had made a mistake. At the 45 minute mark, Brightson fully gave in, returned home, and collapsed into her bed.


Compensating for Something? Micro Market to Exclusively Stock Magnum XL’s

Because, as you know, people who shop at Micro Mart are anything but micro, in any sense of the word.


OP-ED: I Only Go to Metro Because I Love Verbal Abuse

Whenever I ask for a nice chai, I know that I can count on the barista to scoff at my embarrassingly basic taste in caffeinated beverages.


This Junior Was the First Mortal to Step Inside the Campus Subway: Here's Her Story

"And yeah, so I’ve been trapped working in this Subway ever since."


Penn Bookstore Promises a Thousand Curses upon Students’ Firstborns If They Don’t Get Their Textbooks Right Now

Although we tried gently bombarding students with mildly-worded emails, we found that this approach was entirely ineffective.


Power Trip! Lucy Gets off on Getting into Frats with Hordes of Freshmen Outside

Freshmen are so annoying. They’re so fucking entitled and think that they can get into any frat they want if they swarm it long enough.


Hustle Mode On: This PURM Student Logged 6.75 Hours Last Week

"Yeah, I'm supposed to log 35 hours a week, but 6.75 felt like it was more than enough."


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