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James Morrison


Articles

Hustle Mode On: This PURM Student Logged 6.75 Hours Last Week

"Yeah, I'm supposed to log 35 hours a week, but 6.75 felt like it was more than enough."


Rising Freshman: “Omg, How Many AP’s Are you Taking Next Semester?”

"It’d be awful if I had to find validation in something other than some arbitrary test score from a soulless, money-grubbing corporation.” 


OP-ED: I Don’t Have a Foot Fetish, I’m Just Really Passionate About Toes

I think God gave us toes not because we need them, but because they’re nice to look at.  


Yikes! Sophie’s Facebook Suggested Friends Are Literally All Demons from Her Past

 “I don’t know what I did to deserve this,” lamented Patterson, "I ghosted those people for a reason, Facebook."


Inspirational! Insta Stories Successfully Guilt Trip Kendra to Go Vegan for Five Hours

Kendra reposted the videos to her own story and proudly declared that she was “so done” with the meat and dairy industries. 


“OMG, Peggy Got Pregnant!” and Four Other Pieces of Juicy Hometown Gossip That You Don’t Care About Anymore

You have enough problems with your own uterus, so why should you care about the uterus of that girl from ninth grade bio?


OP-ED: Save the Penn Book Center! (there's, like, a Starbucks in there, right?)

Ooh, do you think they’ll put in another Starbucks where this book place is? I could honestly really use some extra spots to procrastinate and buy coffee before class.  


Oops! Professor Forgets that Students Are People, Too

 Professor Shannon is happy to report that she currently enjoys an overall rating of 1.2 on Penn Course Review, and “is optimistic that in the coming semesters [she]’ll be able to bring her average up to the 1.25 range.”  


Guest Column by College Republicans | Why We Invited the Flayed Corpse of God to Campus

The flayed corpse of God is clearly controversial. For one, does God even have a corpse? 


Innovative! This Freshman Boy Has Been Amazon Priming New Underwear All Year Instead of Doing His Laundry

He’s a busy, busy boy with many important things to do, and he can’t be bothered to take care of himself or perform basic life functions.


OP-ED: Is My Professor Too Busy to Respond to My Emails or Are They Playing Hard to Get?

So please, start paying attention to me, and fix that exam grade I emailed you about.


Choose Your Own Adventure: Will Brad Fuck Your Girlfriend at Fling?

You and Jessica have been going strong for nine months now, but these past couple of weeks you’ve noticed that the two of you have grown more and more distant. You have no idea why, but there’s this guy Brad in her OIDD class that she’s always getting food with now. 










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