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James Morrison


Introducing Penn Lite for In-Person Fall: All the Tuition With None of the Fun

Describing the semester as ‘Penn Lite’, Gutmann ensured students that the semester will have all of the Penn Face, pre-professionalism, and toxicity of a normal semester at Penn, minus every form of stress-relief and joy that made being a Penn student somewhat tolerable. 

With Departure of Furda, Penn Admissions to Lose 100% of Sex Appeal

Furthermore, UTB has deduced the real reason for his sudden departure: with recent budget cuts, the University can no longer afford the salary of its hot, sexy, well-proportioned admissions cover boy. 

Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?

You’re horny. Cousin Addie’s horny. Are you two going to help each other out?