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Peer Advisor Suggests Trying 'A Little Cocaine' This Semester


Photo from PxHere / CC0

Junior peer advisor Julia Cole has started reaching out to her freshman advisees.  She’s encouraged them all to contact their pre-major advisor, apply to all the clubs that interest them, and to try some cocaine.  

“I just think freshmen need that motivation to put themselves out there,” said Cole. “It can be scary coming to Penn, and I want them to know that they’ll all be okay: thanks to Penn’s world-renowned faculty, amazing peers, and pure Colombian-grown stimulants.”

Cocaine use among Penn students has skyrocketed in the past decade—and for good reason.  Studies have shown that incorporating more cocaine into your daily routine helps increase one’s lifespan. A Penn Medicine researcher found that stirring a few teaspoons into your morning coffee—or even sprinkling it over your Sweetgreen or Banana Whip—can be a great way to improve blood flow and decrease anxiety.  It also happens to be high in B vitamins and calcium. 

“Cocaine can be a fun way to get to know your fellow freshmen, and it’s so good for you. I personally take ten to fifteen hits a day, and I know I’m a better person because of it.  So, on top of studying hard and getting plenty of sleep, I encourage all my advisees to try a little cocaine this semester. You’ll get totally wired and feel on top of the world, and Lord knows Penn students need more of that.”