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6 Ways To Cope When Your Mom Destroys You At Beer Pong


Photo by Burst / CC0

Family weekend is a time wherein students can share their noble yet humbling Penn experience with their closest of relatives. Lucky for you, those relatives went back to their hotels at 7:30… or so you thought. 

Whether she knows it or not, your mom stayed behind and ended up totally destroying you at beer pong. Use any combination of the following options to cope!

  1. Laugh a little! Think about it. Your mom looks super wasted at the moment, but at one point tonight she looked amazing! She put on makeup and heels for this and she’s having a great time reliving her glory days.
  2. Cry a lot! You’re currently living your glory days and boy are they fleeting! Your mom just asked if she met you at NSO. She has more college-aged friends than you do. Your crush is asking about her. The fraternity you were rushing is unironically recruiting her. How does that even work? Did you just get hazed by your own mom? Damn it Karen, go back to the Inn at Penn!
  3. Tell your dad to stop filming! You’re not sure when your dad showed up, or when he got Snap. Wait, your dad doesn’t even own a smartphone. Whose phone is that? Your baby brother is here too? Oh God, you can’t carry them all!
  4. Catch the dog. Honestly the dog being here is fine. He definitely peed on the carpet but so did all of the frat bros and it all blends in with the spilled Natty anyway. Collect Baxter and your dignity. 
  5. Walk her home and tuck her in. At the end of the night, your mom is still your mom. Let her have her fun, but make sure she eats something and drinks plenty of water. She has tucked you in so many times to get you to this point and the least you can do is— nahhh, just kidding.
  6. MERT that bitch!!! She honestly might need it but, more importantly, she just beat you at beer pong! She stole your friends and tried to bite you twice! You can love someone while also damning them to a $1,200 hospital bill. In the morning, be sure to ask her why she skipped her first lecture. Stay safe and happy family weekend.