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OP-ED: I Met Your Parents This Weekend, And Now I Know Why You Suck So Much


Photo by Jeramey Jannene / CC BY 2.0

Listen, don’t take it personally, but I met your parents this weekend, and now it’s extremely clear to me why and how you suck so much. It’s as if I saw the embodiment of anything and everything that’s wrong with you, except heightened.

That annoying habit you have of cutting other people off mid-sentence to say something irrelevant, unnecessary, and just generally false? Definitely got that from your mom. And the way you pick your teeth after eating literally anything? That’s your dad shining through!

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You, my acquaintance with whom I have no option but to periodically interact, are a sad Red Delicious that tumbled down the trunk before resting among the roots, only to be nibbled on by various woodland creatures.

You also got your really pretty blue eyes from your mom, though.