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Most Lit Party This Friday?! Squirrel Orgy in Locust Garbage Can

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Photo by C Watts / CC BY 2.0

Last Friday, MERT bikers converged on an oddly loud trash can. 

“It really can only be described as the sound of drunken ecstasy, exhaustion, pleasure and a little bit of pain,” distressed student and poet Claudio de Medici (W ’20) remarked. 

According to MERT First Responder Cynthia Kentman (E ’20), the can played host to a passionate squirrel orgy. “Broken acorns were absolutely everywhere. Someone definitely busted a nut,” she shared.

Scores of visibly fucked-up squirrels were carried off in make-shift stretchers made of maple leaves. Other squirrels were seen smoking cigarettes on the edge of Locust wearing large sunglasses and cheetah-printed latex coats, looking on as their friends vomited into sewer drains. 

Sources indicate that Penn students interested in joining in next Friday must bring their own fur coats.

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