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TSA Praises Van Pelt Library Security for Finding Innovative Ways to Annoy People in a Rush

Photo by Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Last night, Van Pelt Library was awarded its greatest honor to date. In a surprise announcement, head of the Transportation Security Administration David Shoosoff named Van Pelt the recipient of their prestigious “Keeping Americans Safe Award."

“We at the TSA thought we had discovered every possible way to arbitrarily hinder travel from one destination to the next," Shoosoff said. "That’s our job. But one trip to the University of Pennsylvania’s famously-secure library changed all that."

During a discreet visit to the library last weekend, Shoosoff marveled at the sight of dozens of students struggling to unzip their bags so that one pocket could hastily be checked for books or drugs or whatever. He called it “the greatest revolution in inconveniences since the USB-C.”

Not all students were pleased to know that the TSA was so fond of the security at their favorite procrastination destination. “At least they can't make anything more inconvenient," College junior Sarah Deschler reasoned.

She was wrong. This morning, the library announced that they would allow students to carry only golf-sized pencils. Van Pelt administration initially considered a “complete and total shutdown” on pencils entering the building, but settled on a ban of pencils heavier than 0.4 ounces.

All of these policy changes are a result of Van Pelt's recent anti-theft measures. However, no student has ever stolen from Van Pelt, as even the biggest kleptomaniacs would struggle to find a reason to steal a fucking book.