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Penn Launches New Haunted House Attraction, Literally Just DRL


Graphic by Allison Kim / The Daily Pennsylvanian , Photos from The Daily Pennsylvanian, Public Domain

After last semester's failed attempt to turn the David Rittenhouse Laboratory into a romantic Valentine's Day date spot, the Penn administration has decided to repurpose the home of the Math, Physics, and Virginity departments for the Halloween season. 

"DRL will be the most frightening attraction this city has ever seen," President Amy Gutmann announced in a press release. "The budget for this project will come directly out of funds initially planned to install air conditioning units in freshman dorms, but the administration is confident that this project will boost student wellness exponentially." 

Although Penn has allocated $2 million to transform DRL into a haunted house, Gutmann stated that the University has no plans to actually make DRL "any more terrifying than it already is." 

Pilot testers of the haunted house rated the main attractions, namely Math 104 students with no fear of God in their eyes and the growing community of furries at Penn, as almost three times scarier than attractions at the Eastern State Penitentiary. If all goes well at this year's launch, the administration is likely to expand the attraction to the upcoming DRL West building at 40th and Walnut.