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Not Just the Compass: Freshman Think Tank Devises New Excuses for Failing Entire Classes


DP File Photo

Every Penn freshman knows: you step on the compass, you die. No, wait. Our sources have a correction. Every Penn freshman knows: you step on the compass, you fail your first midterm. But really, what’s the difference?

Regardless, when College freshman Johnny Kirkpatrick visited campus the first time, he quickly sealed his fate. “She didn’t tell me soon enough!” said Kirkpatrick of his tour guide. “Before she could tell us not to, I had stepped on the compass. I was going to fail my first midterm and there was nothing I could do about it–including studying. Luckily for me, though, I love not studying! It was really a win-win.”

That attitude served Kirkpatrick well until he had taken his first midterm. “After that first midterm, I had no excuse to avoid studying! What’s a guy to do, prepare for my exams? I think not. That’s why we started the rumors.” Eyewitnesses describe Kirkpatrick and his friends walking close to touring high schoolers to start new rumors that justify their horrible yet enjoyable study habits.

Among the crowd favorites were, “Watch out! Step on locust and you'll fail your second midterm!”, “Hey! Don’t take pictures in front of the love statue or you'll forget all your homework!”, and “Don’t breath in the steam from those manholes or you'll fail every class, become an alcoholic, and forget your purpose in life!”

Penn is all about tradition, and the traditions we make together are those which will define us for generations to come. Hurrah for the Red and Blue!