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Student Gives Peers Exactly Two Minutes to Get Their Clothes from the Dryer Before He Takes Matters into His Own Hands


Photo (with edits by Ian Ong) from pxhere / CC0; Jim Champion / CC BY-SA 2.0

Kings Court resident Andrew Werfel (C '22) just can’t catch a break.

First of all, his girlfriend broke up with him, second of all, he’s living in Kings Court for God's sake, and now what? Stuck with a pile of damp, putrid clothing with no drier to put it into, that’s what. He had had enough.

Angry and disgruntled, Werfel sent out a warning message to the house’s GroupMe chat.

“Two of the dryers finished drying, can the owners come pick their clothes up,” Werfel wrote passive-aggressively, phone in one hand, stopwatch clutched in the other. “I will wait two minutes before I take matters into my own hands and place them on the counter.”

And with a soft beep, the timer began its solemn countdown.

“Let the games begin,” he murmured ominously to himself.

Erin Ortiz and Laura Hall were chilling as usual in their fourth-floor dorm when they received the vitriolic message.

Turn off the TV, Erin,” Hall stammered in a wide-eyed panic. “This is important, we have to go—now. Our clothes are in danger.”

(T minus 1:30…)

Racing against the clock, the two freshmen bolted out the door and made a beeline for the stairs (the elevator was broken, as per the usual). Hopping two steps at a time, the duo descended with haste, approaching floor-by-floor closer to the laundry-crazed madman below.

(T minus 0:45…)

Drawing near, Hall and Ortiz scampered through the piano lounge and down the corridor.

(T minus 0:20…)

The laundry room was now in sight. It was now or never, thought the girls.

“Ten seconds left, my little angels,” Werfel crooned, his grubby hands poised at the dryer’s handle.

“Stop!” Hall yelled from down the hall.

“Three...two...one... game over!” Werfel roared, his gangly fingers closing violently, his crusty nails sinking into the soft fabric of bedsheets, of sweaters, of dresses.

Needless to say, Werfel got his clothes dried that day. I mean, can you blame him? A guy’s gotta look sharp for those 9 a.m. math recitations in DRL.