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Post Midterm Elections, Penn Students Now Morally Allowed to Stop Caring about Politics for Two Years


Photo by Jay Goluguri / CC BY-SA 2.0

Midterms. Majority. Two-party system. Imminent destruction of the country. All phrases Penn students, just a few weeks ago, were flinging around with the reckless abandon of a two-year-old on a triple espresso shot. 

But then finals began.

If you have ever felt somewhat guilty about a lapse in political advocacy, those of us at UTB have good news for you. Many Penn students can afford not to care about politics because those politics do not directly threaten their health and safety. 

Amy Gutmann™, in a press release relayed by her personal staff of 213 identical suit clad men in uncanny unison, said that Penn students “no longer have to care about politics. No more. You don’t have to post an Insta story or make a ‘Tik-Tok’ (is that what humans are into today?) I officially absolve you of any and all guilt about taking the democratic rights you have for granted.”

The reaction from the students, and more noticeably the faculty (since most students had already absolved themselves of any guilt and gone back to living a Bacchanalian state of reckless abandon and casual cruelty), was generally positive. 

Political Science chair Jeffery T. Anderson said he was “relieved” by Guttmann’s statement that students are now allowed to stop keeping up the public pretense of giving a damn about the future of the country. 

“I kept having annoying students coming up to me, and saying, ‘hey, what’s a run-off election? Or, how big of a deal are tariffs, really?’ and other really boring nerdy stuff like that. Why the hell am I supposed to know that? Just go get your info from your semi-racist aunt Karen like everyone else does.”

The one caveat to Gutmann’s statement was that her deal would only extend for two years. After this time period, students would be expected to make hand painted signs, get into aggressive arguments with family over dinner, and, most importantly, make confident statements about complex issues without any proof beyond Twitter screenshots.