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Incoming Freshman Disappointed to Learn Penn is not a “Free Drug Zone” and That He Cannot Read


Graphic by Elias Rappaport / The Daily Pennsylvanian; Photos by Jeramy Jannene / CC BY 2.0; Solarnu / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0; RP Norris / CC BY 2.0

Credit: Elias Rappaport

Dan Caulfield, a high school senior from White Plains, experienced a double whammy of emotions last night while browsing through Penn’s drug policy on the school’s website.

After a campus tour of Penn last fall, the high school senior decided, much to his parent’s delight, to apply early decision after misreading a sign on 36th Street that read “Drug Free Zone.” Believing the sign to actually signify that all drugs on campus were free and, perhaps, even provided to students, Caulfield immediately set his sights on the school.

“Honestly, I just use the $80 a week my parents give to me no questions asked to buy all my drugs, so I didn’t really need free drugs,” Caulfield admitted. “But I really just fucked with it on principle, you feel?”

More disappointing for Caulfield however was his sudden realization that he can’t read. “I never really thought about it, but wow I really can’t read for shit. I think I may even read everything backwards. Well, thank god Xanax is a palindrome,” Caulfield said as he casually popped another.

Still, the class of 2023 member is confident that his sudden inability to read simple sentences is not related to his rampant drug abuse, but rather to the distinctive tilt he claims Philadelphia to be built on. “On the one hand, I haven’t read a book since the 6th grade. On the other hand, it felt like everything on that tour was tilted at a 45 degree angle. That can't just be me right?”