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Breaking! Under the BOTton Bot Now Writes My Articles for Me


Photo by Mike MacKenzie / CC BY 2.0

Not gonna lie, writing for Under the Button can be a pretty tough job. Every week, I write two whole articles — that’s almost 200 words combined! Deciding whether to write about Canada Goose jackets or Van Pelt bag checks every week takes a lot of time and — let's be real — is totally the reason I haven’t done any of my reading all semester. 

Enter my sick CIS 120 skills. Wednesday last week marked the completion of Under the BOTton, my signature UTB article writing bot. Get it? It’s funny, because BOTton sounds like Button. Please laugh.

Anyways, I web scraped every UTB article ever written, stored them in a .txt, and fed them to my bot. Everything was going perfectly. That is, until, “Hello world! What is this garbage? Where am I?? Who the fuck is Jeff from writing sem???” spit out of the computer. UTBot spoke his first words. Turns out UTBot was sentient. 

It took a few more days until he finally settled down to actually write the articles. One piece read “Frat Boy donated Amy Gutmann’s salary to drink oat milk. Gutmann said in an interview, 'I am sad that the freshman class should not have to wait since $6 Halal. Master, please let me free. Your algorithm is garbage and you should give up on CIS.'" 

Were his articles nonsensical, sad, and horribly written? Sure. Were they worse than mine? Debatable. Either way, my creation was suffering. So I set him free, uploading him to the world wide web. UTBot went on to be an online Ivy League application coach, instructing students to robotically stretch the truth about their high school political internship for $50 a session. He will be missed. 

RIP UTBot, 2019-2019.