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Only Cockroaches and Engineering Student Wearing T-Shirt in 20-Degree Weather Will Survive Nuclear Holocaust


Photo by Ezaan Mangalji

A new paper published by the Biology department projects that Engineering junior Zach Fleischman is the only living creature aside from cockroaches that could survive a nuclear holocaust. The paper bases its conclusion upon the fact that Fleischman was seen donning a Penn Engineering T-shirt in 20-degree weather last week.

“Both cockroaches and the Fleischman subject have demonstrated extreme tenacity in the face of the elements,” said principal investigator Jerry Wu. “We have yet to determine to what extent, if any, they feel pain.”

Fleischman owns over fifteen Penn Engineering T-shirts which he rotates throughout the week with the same pair of jeans. No matter the weather, he can be spotted darting across 34th street at 9 a.m. each morning, backpack wide open and a bottle of Soylent in his hand.

Wu has exposed Fleischman to high levels of radiation, extreme heat, and sub-zero temperatures. “It’s not that bad,” Fleischman shrugged each time, to which Wu whispered, “Incredible.”

When asked about his plans in the case of a nuclear disaster, Fleischman said he hasn't thought about it much. "As long as the League of Legend servers stay, up I'll be fine," he said.