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Dear Malia Obama: Forget That Lame Shit, Let's Do Fireball Shots


Photo by Pete Souza

Earlier this week, The Daily Mail ran a story showing Malia Obama Drinking an “$80 bottle of wine” at a Miami beach pool party. Photos in the article showcase the eldest Obama daughter lounging about in a towel and black one-piece swimsuit, drinking wine with a close few friends. This has brought about a mixed response from the public: many are outraged that she is drinking underage while many call it an invasion of privacy. 

Now, what do I think? I’m disappointed that Malia is being lame as fuck.

Look, Malia, I’m glad you’re letting loose and enjoying yourself, but come on. You’re telling me you’re at a Miami beach party, and you’re just gonna causally sip some wine? Not even fun wine like Franzia. Let me show you how to party like a real college student.

First things first, ditch the fancy wine and casual hangout — we’re gonna pound some fireball shots and have ourselves just a terrible night. To start, we’re getting way too drunk at the pregame. If one of us isn’t throwing up in the bathroom at 8 p.m., then we’re letting Barack down. Next, we’re heading to a shitty frat to sweat through our clothes. That one piece bathing suit was classy, but classy is not the vibe for this night. You’re getting trashed, and your clothes need to be even trashier. We’ll end our journey in smokes by falling asleep in a booth (the way God intended us to sleep). 

I know this isn’t the lifestyle you’re used to Malia, but it’s time for you to grow up. Michelle didn’t raise no bitch.