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5 Snarky Comments Your Roommate Kevin Probably Makes as He Steals Your Toiletries


Photo by Marco Verch / CC BY 2.0

Ah, roommates. Can't live with them — can't afford rent without them. Below are five things your roommate probably says before he steals from you in broad daylight. 

 1. “Yup, imma take that”

Oh I’m sure you will, Kevin. And yeah, I know I can’t set up a nanny cam in the bathroom, but one day I’m gonna catch you in the act and slice both your hands off and use them as cup holders. I’m that kinda crazy Kevin. Don’t mess with me.

2. “No one will notice if I just use half this bottle of shampoo right?”

You literally have a crew cut Kevin. How the fuck did you manage to use that much shampoo? Do you have a hidden stash of hair hiding somewhere on your body? I bet you do, you fucking freak. Let’s be honest, it’s probably why you’ve turned to a life of petty crime.

3. “Man I’d love it if I had toothpaste but also didn’t have to pay for it… oh wait!”

And I’d love it if I could shank you to bits and throw your remains in the ocean but also for no one to ever find out. Oh wait, I can’t, but god dammit if that wouldn’t teach you a lesson about stealing the last toothpaste in my four-pack of Colgate.

4. “Wouldn’t this toilet paper just look so good in my bathroom instead?”

I’ll admit it, you do have an eye for fashion Kevin. But just cause my double-ply would perfectly match your white shower curtain doesn’t mean you can just up and steal it.

5. “If Trump can get away with it, I can too”

This is officially Kevingate. At the same time, I have zero proof that Kevin is the one stealing my toiletries, and it could very well be Carlos, but Carlos baked cookies that one time and left them out for us to eat. You’ve never baked me cookies. Plus, you always smell like B.O.. So, therefore, by process of discrimination, I’m blaming you Kevin.