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Breaking: Fraternity That Failed Sensitivity Training No Longer Playing Ignition (Remix) at Parties


Photo by nym / CC BY 2.0

The illustrious fraternity of Beta Gamma Epsilon, whose walls boast two whole black guys and one brother who might be gay but is afraid to say anything, has taken a huge step forward for women’s rights today when they decided to no longer play "Ignition (Remix)" at their parties. That’s right, folks. No longer will you be forced to listen to the smooth tunes of R. Kelly while drinking a questionable beverage known only as “jungle juice.”

Fraternity president Nate Windbreaker (C ’20) has released a public statement explaining how this new initiative is the most important thing to happen to feminism since Gloria Steinem (“that playboy chick”) got women the right to vote. “We all love Ignition here at Beta Gamma, but now we only listen to it privately during our pre-games. We want to make this a safe space for everyone here, and it definitely does not get ladies in the right mood to listen to a man who abused underage girls. I can’t say I understand it, but the pussy speaks for itself.”

Windbreaker is inviting everyone to the first blowout party of a post-Ignition world with the theme Lock ‘Em Up. While guests may be expecting something along the lines of a champagne and shackles party, they may be surprised as the sultry tunes of XXXTentacion and Kodak Black remind them that just because someone assaulted a pregnant woman or abducted children doesn’t mean they don’t put out dank albums.