Breaking: Freshman Boy Lost Virginity over Break to “a Girl from Home”

Score, bros! Mark Biles (E '22) got "totally laid" over break when he went home to spend quality time with his family and, apparently, settle some unfinished business with his high school crush. UTB's man on the ground has the juicy, sensual details. Mark's statement is as follows:

"BROS, I lost my flower over break!! And to Vanessa, the girl I'd been crushing on for ages. You would not believe how hot she is. Absolutely smokin'. Don't look her up on Facebook, though, because she doesn't have Facebook. Or Instagram. Or LinkedIn. Uh, yeah, Violet is pretty off grid. Mostly because she likes to unplug and spend time at the gym, working on her body. Valerie's actually a yoga instructor. She was so flexible when we did sex! I was able to see into her whole belly button. Fellas, us non-virgins here know how hot that is. I really wish I had some of the sexy pics she sent me, but my phone broke, and I got it replaced and made the same crack in the screen as the old one because it just felt weird having an unbroken screen. Just trust me, dudes. Vivian is so hot, and we did so much sex."

Mark's friends have been less than supportive, commenting to Mark, "Virginity is a construct, and we love you whether you've had sex or not," and, "You don't need to make things up to seem cool, bro. You are who you are, and our friendship is brightest in the light of truth" (Alexander Hernandez E '22 and Ralph Grant E '22). Mark responded to these allegations with a concise, "Whatever, virgins," and offered no further commentary.