Senior Can’t Satisfy Girlfriend or Sector Requirements

Jack Stevenson (C ‘19) really regrets leaving the Physical World requirement until senior year. With GEOL 103 and ASTR 001 closed, Stevenson will be forced to learn actual physics next semester or else have to take an extra semester to graduate.

But it’s not just Stevenson's academic planning worksheet that remains unsatisfied. His girlfriend Rebecca Lansing (C ‘19) has been completely unsatisfied in bed since the couple got together eight months ago. 

“Jack should spend less time trying to find an easy gen-ed and more time trying to find the clitoris,” Lansing asserted. “Sex with him is like trying to eat soup with a slotted spoon.”

Stevenson was taken aback by his girlfriend’s accusations and the fact that his sex life is being arbitrated through a student publication, but regardless, he denied that he could not satisfy Rebecca. “Look she can say what she wants, but if I was on Penn Course Review, I may be ranked as low quality, but I’d be the easiest guy here,” Stevenson said.

According to Lansing, Stevenson is obsessed with planning each and every class so that he can do the least amount of work possible. This mentality occasionally slips into their sex life. “Last weekend he went down on me and when he was ‘done,’ he asked if that could double-count for the rest of the week,” Lansing claims. “He should treat me like I’m his major and satisfy my needs above anything else.”

Stevenson thought for a moment about what Lansing said. “Well I certainly don’t treat her like a minor. I’m not a pedo,” he said.

With Stevenson’s world crumbling before his eyes, it’s unclear at this time whether he will be able to keep both his girlfriend happy and his GPA afloat.