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Meet the Freshman Surviving the Rest of the Year on 4 Meal Swipes and 7 Dining Dollars


Photo by Artur Potosi / CC BY 2.0

This year, Wharton freshman Jeremy Todd’s first true love burned fast and hot. “At the beginning of the year, I would visit four or five times a day. But I guess it was unsustainable.” We are talking, of course, about Todd’s mandatory freshman year dining plan. 

Todd is not a big boi. “He’s a smol boi,” reported one witness and strong proponent of cute online animal vocabulary. Indeed, Todd does not report going to the dining hall to eat excess meals but rather to grab snacks. “I might pop in three times a day to grab a banana from Commons,” reported Todd. “Lord knows nothing else there is edible.”

Unfortunately, Todd’s habits have caught up with him. He can now be seen attempting to sneak down the elevator at Hill, only to be caught by the multiple chefs standing literally right there, Todd. Other days he can be seen hiding amongst large groups and crawling around swipe counters to avoid detection. 

“I’m not really that sneaky,” reported Todd, “so most days I just fish stuff out of the trash.” In response to slightly sympathetic and largely disgusted faces from interviewers, Todd added, “Hey! The squirrels do it! They got into Penn just like everyone else here, and they deserve to be respected. Consider my trash-eating a form of respect…anyways do you by chance have any guest swipes left?”