OP-ED: Sorry Class Board Candidates, I’ll Only Vote for You if Your Name is Hot

Ah, student government election season: the time for assaulting trees with posters and making yourself appear in as many Facebook feeds as possible. 

Before you try proving your competency by writing your name in chalk bubble letters on Locust, let me stop you right there. I am not going to remember your name. There are about 36,000 people running for the UA (sidebar – I don’t even know what that is) and another 4 billion running for internal secretary president of the College’s class board chair, and I cannot keep track. 

So, I have come up with a foolproof algorithm that takes into account the candidate’s skills, endorsements, past student government experience, and ability to collaborate with others that will help me determine who will get my precious vote. 

I will vote for you if your name is hot. 

For example: 

1. Leon. Leon is definitely hot. Leon has got my vote. 

2. Sofia. Oof. Sofia can get it. Sofia for class board! 

3. Marcus. Damn Marcus! You foine! You would be a great leader! 

4. Adrianna. Youch! She sounds dope. I’ll vote for her any day of the week. 

5. Ansel. Go off, King! You RUN this election! 

6. Natasha. Yee haw, Natasha! You will definitely improve youth voter turn-out. 

Candidates, take note. If you want to have a chance this election season, I would march down to the Prothonotary’s Office (City Hall, room 287) and petition for a name change.