Horrifying! Ambitious Student Intentionally Creates, Unleashes Minions in Chem Lab
June 23, 2019 at 7:28 pm
Students witnessed the conjuring of real-life eldritch abominations last Thursday as biochem sophomore Keith Derry created minions, the balding creatures from the 2010 comedy film, “Despicable Me.”
Derry, who had seen one too many god-awful minion memes in his lifetime, figured it was finally time to show the world that they really weren’t all that cute, friendly, or meme-able. Using nothing more than NaOH solution and a spare banana from 1920 Commons, the young genius grew a minion, goggles and all, during his lab practical.
“Why did it have to be minions? Why couldn’t it have been some other, more palatable denison of the night?” bemoaned Department of Chemistry Chair Sonya Hille. “Let’s be real, we would be drowning in grant money had that kid made Flubber instead.”
Come Friday, it had become clear that Derry had taken advantage of the University’s resources to amass a battalion of sentient, jaundiced tic-tacs. Since then, his minions have been seen disrupting classes, stealing from old ladies, and being general annoyances.
“The University has taken action to suspend Mr. Derry,” Amy Gutmann released in a statement. “But I am afraid what has been done, cannot be undone.”
“It’s not about the grades. It’s about sending a message,” Derry announced, a sea of snarling minions clamoring at his feet. “And that message is that I’m sick of seeing low effort memes on the Ivy League meme page. You guys are supposed to be smart, right? Give me something good to browse during class, for God’s sake.”