OP-ED: If My 4 Twitter Followers Don't like My Funny Tweet I Will Self-Immolate

I am funny. This is a thing I say to myself whenever my world is falling apart and I realize that all of my jokes are recycled John Mulaney material, and slowly my sense of humor separates me from my peers, because whatever I think is funny they call “an atrocity” or “brutal murder.” 

Anyway, I am funny, and if you think otherwise then my sense of humor is probably beyond you.

Unless the “you” refers to my four Twitter followers. I need them to think I’m funny or else my entire self worth will collapse and I’ll give up on everything in my life. If ¾ of my followers don’t like my tweet, I know that I’ve done something terrible, and I’ll delete it because I want no traces of my mistakes left on the internet. I am a very intense twitter personality. 

If you don’t have the ability to like every single one of my tweets, I don’t have time for you to follow me. Just kidding. Please follow me. I probably won’t follow back, but consistent likes and support will continue to be the only reason I wake up each morning. This is a burden that should not be taken lightly.