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Heartwarming: Professor Enforces Diversity by Mispronouncing Everyone's Names


Photo by Will Fisher / CC BY-SA 2.0

“Res-buck-al,” says Professor Starner, in his computer science lecture one rainy, gloomy morning, to Engineering sophomore Rebecca Caucasian sitting in the front row. The class is bewildered, mouths are dropped, and that bratty kid in your class trying to transfer into Wharton stood up. He reportedly argued that reverse racism had gone too far. 

Starner wouldn’t stop there and, according to recent data, would go on to entirely demolish the given names of everyone in his class. He pointed out a girl called Elizabeth Meaner and promptly called her “Eliagsdyhjfdhjf Mafgsdhjgdfkfd.” Another boy, named Henry OuttaPocket, was referred to as “Hhhhhhhhhh JeffreyEpsteinDidn’tKillHimself.” As for Amy Gutmann, he merely named her, “Ñ”. 

While many have criticized Starner’s approach, he responded to The Daily Pennsylvanian with a heartwarming message: “You know, Pamela De La Cruz, you keep writing these articles as if they mean anything. You are aware of the horrors happening out in the real world, to your own people, no less. And still, you do nothing except make passing jabs to these ills or incorporate them into your stupid jokes out in public or on this site. No, I will not be silent. No one reads past the headlines anyway. Fuck you. Fuck everything you fucking stand for. You’re nothing more than a cynical observer. You know this system is corrupt, and yet you do nothing. I won’t just mispronounce the names of white people on this campus. I’m here to remind you that if you don’t go out and work to topple the world order that had made you suffer, you’re complicit. But go ahead and keep laughing, I fucking dare you.”

“This is an absolute win,” replied Frued Thomas, the only POC (person of color) in the entire University of Pennsylvania, this Friday. “I get that this might make most people uncomfortable, but it’s a step in the right direction towards acknowledging the racism seeped into the society at this school. I really look up to Mr. Starner.”