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Oh Fuck: Kitchen Steam Headed Straight for Fucking Smoke Detector Fuckfuckfuckfuck


Photo by Jonathan Koob / CC0

My eyes crack open, and I blind myself to see the time: 1:07 a.m. Great. I love getting my sleep interrupted during finals season.

It’s probably my roommate again with those stupid sorting videos on full volume — oh, wait, wait, wait. No, that’s not it. I’m actually just really fucking hungry. Eggplant-tofu dinner at Commons has failed me again, and now I’m about to starve to death.

But then, in a split-second of divine providence, I remember the Chinese food truck leftovers in my mini-fridge, and suddenly I feel myself rising from my bed, a chef in the making. Oh, yeah, I am getting up in my underwear and doing this. Nobody can stop me from becoming the resident Guy Fieri of Rodin College House, and baby, it’s time to go to Flavortown.

Skillet, check. Chinese leftovers, check. Cooking spray, check. Mirror to idolize myself, the reincarnation of Iron Chef Chen Kenichi, check. I slop the food into the skillet, and lightly turn on the heat.

Wait, hold up. No way. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Smoke? I just wanted to fry up a late-night dish, and this is what I get? Oh shit oh fuck that’s a lot of steam

Alright, don’t panic. Deep breaths, in and out, in and out. The people of Rodin are depending on you right now.

Okay, now the shit’s in my lungs, and I feel like I’m about to cry. 

Think. What would Chef Kenichi do in a situation like th — oh sweet Christ on a stick it’s going straight for the smoke detector

Fuck fuck fuck fuck what do I do what do I do fanning it doesn’t do anything get the water get the water get the water oh SHIT, what is this, a fucking grease fire? Bloody hell! No, not into the foyer get it away from there get it away from there oh lord blow it away blow it away blow it away blow it away

...oh my god, is that the fire alarm?