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What’s at the Bottom of the Hill Dining Hall Peanut Butter?


Confused Woman Wearing Christmas Ornaments on Neck / Public Domain

After scooping an unholy glob of peanut butter onto my omelet, I can’t help but wonder what’s at the bottom of the peanut butter tub. In recent memory, I have never seen its bottom, and, after consulting with many fellow explorers of the toast condiment station, I discovered that no one else had laid eyes on the bottom of the tub either.  

And for good reason too. The land of the peanut butter is a difficult realm to explore, for its properties are unforgiving. One false move and it has smeared from the bread to the plate to your hand. Its pungent smell remains on the hands for hours to come, even after a vigorous rinsing of the hands, for peanut butter is not surmountable by water. 

Another false move could send an innocent bystander into a deathly allergic reaction. For these concerns, it is reasonable that the keepers of the peanut butter do not ever fully empty the tub, but merely dump more in to cover the paths of discovery some explorers have so valiantly made. 

But the time has come: the time for mankind to discover what lies at the bottom of the peanut butter tub. I have prepared many months for my expedition, and I have mentally prepared myself for all possibilities, from my hand being forever haunted by the scent of peanut butter, to my hand being animalistically consumed by whatever lies at the bottom.

It is a dangerous and risky expedition, one that man has never done before. But curiosity and the perennial desire for knowledge and understanding surmounts all fear. No matter the cost, mankind will see the bottom of the peanut butter.