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While the World Is Literally Burning, Thank You NYT for the Five New Paella Recipes


Photo (with edits by Elias Rappaport) by USDA / CC0; Photo by Cazz / CC0 1.0 Universal

My morning starts the same way as most. I exit my hyperbaric sleeping chamber and slip my purple crocs on. Then of course I check my phone. If I have less than six notifications, it’s either 7 a.m. or all my friends hate me.

One type of notification I’ve grown extremely ready for since a certain day in November of 2016 is the good ole New York Times “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE” early-riser. Sometimes that push notification says something like “President Trump Calls Chuck Schumer ‘a dickhead’ on Twitter This Morning.” Other times it’s something less wild like “President Trump Threatens to ‘literally set California ablaze’ If Ariana Grande Doesn’t Sing at his Inauguration.”

For the next four or five hours, up until about 2 p.m., the Times continues its bad news barrage until my mind just can’t take it anymore. “I’m not gonna live past 50,” I think to myself. Existential dread takes over if it hasn’t already. Then 5 p.m. hits and the Times pulls me off the ledge.

They pull me back to reality with a delicious weeknight recipe. Yeah yeah, Trump did call the Prime Minister of Italy ‘Giuseppe Spaghetti’ today, but I’m blissfully distracted by these delicious new paella recipes. One of them has clams? Ugh, I love clams. I mean, sure, Trump took to Twitter earlier today to claim Ruth Bader Ginsburg has clams, but right now I’m all in on paella.

Thank you NYT for cutting my news notifications with these delicious, distracting recipes. You are forever the baking soda to my cocaine.