OP-ED: Here's How Kamala Harris Can Still Win
Photo by Gage Skidmore / CC BY-SA 2.0
January 28, 2020 at 12:00 am
Ok, hear me out. I know it's a long-shot, but there's still a chance, I promise. Honestly, I'd even argue that she's the front-runner at this point. Only real political science gurus like myself can see behind CNN's veil of ignorance and understand that the real Democratic candidate in 2020 will be none other than Kamala Harris. Here's why:
1. She has been hiding out in Iowa this entire time. While all the other candidates have been wasting their time at debates and town halls, Kamala has been working at a Chuck-E-Cheese three miles outside of Des Moines, casually sliding campaign flyers to her customers. Nate Silver estimates that she has handed a flyer to 92% of the Iowa population at this point, and they all intend to vouch for her in the upcoming caucuses.
2. The DNC is rigged. Okay, hear me out. This is what cost Bernie the election in 2016, right? Wrong. The ominous, overarching notion of the DNC is actually made up of over 2,000 closeted Kamala Harris supporters, all waiting until the moment they can swoop in and present the nomination to Mrs. Harris herself.
3. She is actually dressed up as Bernie Sanders. Huge plot twist here — Bernie died in 2016 after losing to Hillary and Kamala has been wearing a Bernie outfit ever since. She'll be making the big reveal soon, proclaiming to the world that a woman can only win the presidency when masquerading as a man. Makes sense, though — have you ever seen both of them in the same room? Oh, you have? Oh. Well then.
4. The Electoral College. Okay, here's where things get interesting. Even if she doesn't win the Democratic nomination, she will likely join forces with powerhouse Jill Stein of the Green Party to manipulate the Electoral College and win the presidency. Who needs the popular vote, anyways?