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Editorial | Under The Button Endorses Colonel Sanders for President


Photo (with edits by Elias Rappaport) by jnn1776 / CC BY-SA 2.0; Photo by pngimg / CC BY-NC 4.0; Photo by WikiCommons / CC BY-SA 3.0

After careful deliberation, UTB has reached consensus: fried chicken icon Colonel Sanders is the best candidate to defeat Donald Trump in the 2020 election.

Just like our forefathers, Col. Sanders founded an international empire commonly abbreviated by just three letters (KFC). Perhaps KFC is even better than the USA. Rather than exporting war and political revolution, the Colonel simply exports delicious chicken. And we all know: nobody does chicken like KFC.

UTB understands that the Daily Pennsylvanian has thrown its support behind Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT), but we believe they’re entirely misguided. They’ve been bamboozled into supporting the wrong Sanders.

A quick comparison of the Colonel and his opponents should convince any layman that there is only one person right for this job.

Bernie Sanders gets heart-attacks; Col. Sanders causes heart-attacks.

Elizabeth Warren fakes being Native American, while Col. Sanders has never shied away from being an old, fat white man.

Pete Buttigieg was a measly lieutenant in the army, while Col. Sanders is a motherfucking colonel. This guy knows pressure like his chickens know pressure frying.

Joe Biden has been flip-flopping for the last 50 years. Meanwhile, Col. Sanders has been using the same 11 herbs and spices. Sure, the Colonel is not a seasoned veteran of the political process, but goddamn if that chicken isn’t perfectly seasoned every time.

With increased armed conflict seeming inevitable in the Middle East, the United States needs a leader with military experience. Colonel Sanders has that in spades. There’s only one candidate you can trust in this year’s election.

Colonel Sanders. It’s Finger Lickin’ Good.