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Following NCAA Sanctions, Men’s Basketball Must Now Play Wearing Roller Skates


Photo (with edits by Elias Rappaport) by Son Nguyen / The Daily Pennsylvanian; Photo by Marco Verch / CC BY 2.0; Photo by nicubunu / CC0 1.0

Penn men’s basketball received sanctions from the NCAA on Wednesday for the bribery scandal involving former coach Jerome Allen and now must play all games wearing roller skates for two years.

“We accept responsibility for Allen’s violations and will fully cooperate with the sanctions,” said a Penn Athletics spokesperson. “While it will be difficult for the players to adapt, it will certainly be hilarious.”

According to an assistant coach, the team will have to overhaul its practice and conditioning schedule in order to adapt to the sanctions. “Some of these guys have never roller skated before. We’ll have to start from the basics: cones, training wheels — hell, I may roll behind some of them holding their hips during games.”

Palestra staff are reportedly considering installing a ramp at the free-throw line. “The roller skates might even entice more students to come to games,” they said.

“No,” said students