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COVID-19 Now Almost As Bad As The Spotted Lanternfly Epidemic


Photo by the Daily Pennsylvanian; Photo by CDC/Alissa Eckert / CC0

Penn has now gone completely online due to the outbreak of COVID-19, or "coronavirus." Many "doctors" and "scientists" are saying that this epidemic is unprecedented. What they don't know is that, as Philly residents, we have already lived through one epidemic this school year: the spotted lanternfly epidemic of 2019.

"Plenty of students actually skipped class during the lanternfly epidemic. I know I skipped several times myself," said one SEAS junior, Dylan Robinson. "Now, was that related in any way to the lanternflies? Really, who's to say." Robinson, unrecognizable by any of his professors or classmates, has been reported to have a 1.7 GPA.

College freshman Zheng An informed UTB, "During the lanternfly epidemic, I was incredibly siiiick." An elaborated, "It's not like I was throwing up or anything. That's disgusting, I would never. Just like... I'm a sickass person. Every day. All the time." Rather than walk down the stairs from the UTB office after her interview, Zheng preferred to kickflip.

"My entire family perished in the Great Lanternfly Epidemic of 2019," reported one sad, elderly lanternfly, found preaching on 34th and Walnut — probably named Buggy or something. "Thousands. Gone in a matter of months. Our hospitals were over capacity... our leaders refused to acknowledge the problem until it was too late. Who is to say whether history will repe—"

Unfortunately, Mr. Buggy or something was unable to provide any further comments, as he was tragically smooshed by our reporters. Purely out of instinct, of course. 

"I have coronavirus, fuckers! Try and stop me now!" said another (anonymous) lanternfly, wreaking havoc on the same street corner. "I literally DARE you to touch me." Evidently, Pennsylvanians may have an entirely new combination of pandemics on our hands.