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Zoom Ordered to Stay at Least 2 Inches Away From Other Desktop Applications


Screenshot by Ian Ong

Healthy! Last Tuesday, the University mandated that Zoom be kept at least two inches away from other desktop programs and files as part of their efforts to contain the coronavirus.

“Each hour, hundreds of students touch Zoom with their filthy cursors,” Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett said in a statement. “We strongly encourage everyone to immediately drag the Zoom icon away from their other apps and to run their antivirus at least five times a day.”

Pritchett went on to express the importance of everyone doing their fair share in practicing digital distancing, regardless of their race, religion, or operating system.

“Look, I don’t care if it messes up your ‘aesthetic,’ dude,” Pritchett said sternly to a critic. “Also, really? A Drake background? Not a good look.”

“Honestly, I think that the university is kinda overstepping their boundaries with this one,” Twila Aikens (C ‘22) said. “I don’t even think coronavirus can spread electronically.”

Despite backlash from a number of students, Pritchett has not wavered in his commitment to enforce the quarantine order.

“Think about it. What if that shit gets into Google Chrome?” Pritchett asked an aide, eyes wide. “Game over, man.”