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After Semester Online, All Penn Students Become Nearsighted


Photo by Cathy / CC BY-NC 2.0

The first day of classes of fall 2020 has finally come, the day that all students have been waiting for. But there’s something askew. Though there are students walking up and down Locust Walk, all are wearing thick sunglasses, long sleeves, long pants, and scarves. The weather is 100 degrees Fahrenheit. 

The thickly wrapped students stumble around Locust Walk, only looking up briefly to get their bearings. They see a blur of students in front of them and then look back down to the floor, cautious to not expose their delicate eyes and skin to the sun. Occasionally colliding with each other like an effusion experiment, the students slowly meander their way to their first classes. 

In an official statement, Student Health Services reported that all Penn students have become near-sighted, allergic to brightness, and at least slightly obese after half a year of quarantine.

“Because of quarantine, I have evolved,” said College sophomore, Jack Schwein. “I no longer am able to see anything past 5 meters in front of me, I sleep for 14 hours a day, and I can no longer walk.” 

Despite the sharp decrease in student health at Penn, SHS has decided to take little action. In another statement, they affirmed that students will find that their extra layer of quarantine-gained fat actually protects their delicate innards from the sun. 

To help students in staying active and losing weight, SHS will continue to provide condoms free of charge exclusively at their orbitally far off-campus location.