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Protesters in University City Implicated in Breaking Harrison Elevator


Photo by Luke Chen / Edits by Eleanor Stalick 

Black Lives Matter protests continue around the globe this week in the wake of a series of violent crimes against black people in the United States, including the murder of Ahmaud Arbery by two white male civilians in Georgia and the murder of George Floyd by Minneapolis police officers. Many major news sources in the United States continue to paint such protests as violent. 

The latest of such accusations has blamed the Black Lives Matter movement for the devastation of two Harrison elevators late last week. "Oh my goodness! A broken elevator? In Harrison? What will those angry black people do next?" said an unprompted, random old man lingering on locust walk. 

One Black Lives Matter protestor, Nathan Jones CAS '21, questioned the legitimacy of such accusations. "Assuming that Black Lives Matter broke those elevators would be assuming that any human being would actually go into those elevators voluntarily. I know those elevators, and I'm telling you, it's a lie."

"I have a lot of good memories on those elevators," said Jeff from writing sem, apparently still living in Harrison right now. "Stopping on every single floor to pick up other kids on my way to class? Excellent." Jeff clenched his fists. "Seeing literally foot stains on the walls? Not shoe stains, but like. Literal? Bare ass foot stains? Even now that classes are over? Love that." His eyes grew bloodshot. "Cash Fucking Elevator?? Love it!!!!!! SOooo FUNNY! AHAHAHHAHAHhahah! HA! AHHAHAA!!!! My literal FAVORITE fucking thing at this ENTIRE school!" For once, Jeff from writing sem did not appear to be fucking around. "I LOVE those FUCKING elevators and I would HATE it if someone literally went in there at 3 fucking AM last night and just bashed the buttons in with a metal rod they found in the ZBT dumpster!! God would I HATE to see them absolutely obliterated beyond repair!!!!" 

Local reporters are now saying Jeff from writing sem is the primary victim of the Black Lives Matter movement.