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Party Girl Jessica Has "Officially Retired" From Drinking for the Fifth Time This Year


Photo by Dominic Alves / CC BY 2.0

Friends of College junior, Jessica Slater were shocked Monday morning after finding an alarming post on her Facebook. In her post, Jessica detailed her decision to give up drinking and retire from the party scene indefinitely. This was coming from THE Jessica Slater, the one every party-goer looked up to as she drunkenly stumbled around on top of a frat beer pong table five nights a week. UTB was able to include a small portion of her legendary retirement post to allow all readers to mourn this loss:

“So, like, I know the fall is going to have the absolute best bangers of all time since everyone is just dying to get back on campus and soak in their glory days. But I just can’t bring myself to live this lifestyle anymore. It’s not even like a coronavirus problem. It’s just a me problem. Parties just aren’t as fun as they used to be. Once you wake up after blacking out in someone’s room for the fifth time in a week you really start to wonder what you’re doing, you know? Like I want to be a therapist when I grow up and I’m really working hard on my psych degree. What will my clients think when they realize I was a bigger mess than they are? It’s time to focus up, Jessica”

UTB reached out to Jessica later in the week to hear about how retirement was treating her. Unfortunately, she was unable to pick up the phone at that point because “the music at this party is waaaay too loud and I’m waaaay too gone right now”. We wish her the best in her endeavors. Stay strong, Jessica.