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Penn Pastor Thrilled That Students Will Have To Leave At Least 6 Feet Of Room for Jesus When Grinding at Frat Parties


Photo by technicolor76 / CC BY 2.0

While many are disappointed by the looming prospect of attending school in the Fall and not being allowed to massage loins with complete strangers on the dance floor, one member of the Penn community is actually quite pleased. The words “Hallelujer!” echoed through the Church belfry as Pastor Smith, Head of Penn’s Christian Association, rejoiced in the news of a socially-distanced fall.

“Over the past few semesters, Church attendance has gotten so low. I think it’s because all the students are afraid that they’ll burn up upon entry after their nights of sin at those gosh darn fraternity parties.” Smith recollected. The pastor has been advocating against such parties for years, even going as far as sneaking into last year’s Spring Fling Pool Party and filling the pool with Holy Water in order to cleanse party-goers' spirits. However, Smith was disappointed to later discover that the name of the event is misleading and no one actually swims in the pool. 

“This is mighty dandy. With all these regulations, Jesus will have plenty of room to get all up in between those youngsters when they’re gyrating.” Smith grinned as he thought of all of the cocks that Jesus would inevitably block this fall. 

“I mean 6 feet is quite big. That’s enough room for a very small boat or a very large toy boat, or better yet, SIX JESUSES!” Smith mused. “Hear that kids, next time you get a stiffy while boogieing 6 feet apart from your lady friend, think about the ones who are actually taking the brunt of your lust, six line-dancing carbon-copies of the Lamb of God.”

However, Smith fears that many will not head the University’s new policy. In order to prevent this, he has decided to take after his hero Martin Luther and nail a list of rules onto the front doors of what he considers to be the most sinful organizations on campus. Smith has reassured us that it is purely a coincidence that the only organizations he visited were Jewish frats and the Hillel House, which he claims throws wild Manischewitz mixers.